Every time it’s seventy-two and sunny, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time work hours turn into happy hours, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time somebody looks at you weird and your coworker Becky tells you to let it go but you can’t, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time the bouncer says, “Look man, you gotta go” and you drunkenly yell, “Screw you! You’re not the boss of me!” a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you wake up in a ditch with a broken nose next to a congregation of raccoons, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you tell yourself you’re a “good drunk driver” only to plow into a glow-in-the-dark cyclist, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you frantically search for your inhaler while looking in the rearview mirror and thinking “Oh my fucking God, oh my God, oh my God please don’t be a person, please don’t be a person” a Corona gets its lime.
Every time a Korean family witnesses you dragging a luminescent corpse into your Kia Soul, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you offer to Venmo a stranger while pleading “Please don’t fucking tell anyone! He’s fine, I swear!” a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you’re doing ninety in a Costco parking lot with multiple units in pursuit, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you call your mom sobbing and she’s like, “Not this again! You’re on your own this time,” a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you’re lying on the ground while a fraternity of police officers take turns breakdancing on your face, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you’re on trial and the Korean family (surprise!) shows up to testify, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time a Neo-Nazi prison gang forces you to “hold” a cell phone for them and it turns out to be an iPhone 8 Plus, a Corona gets its lime.
Every time you lie awake at night, next to Dante “Wrecking Ball” Jones, wondering where it all went wrong and if the overwhelming sadness will ever go away, a Corona gets its lime.
Just remember that every time it’s seventy-two and sunny, somewhere out there beyond those cold, impenetrable concrete walls, a Corona get its lime.
Corona.
Look, it tastes good with lime, okay?
