No one wants to travel to work like a loser, but the sad reality is that most commuters really don’t matter. Get a jump on owning the rest of your work day by winning from the moment you leave your front door, and don’t let up until you know you’re the victor of your commute!
1. Get creative on the sidewalk. Weave enough to throw off passersby, and if you sense them coming up behind you, try to walk directly in their path. Spin until you get dizzy, or play a whimsical game of invisible hopscotch.
2. The stairs up to the train are the best place to assert your dominance. Walk against traffic. Get very close to the person in front of you. Stop with no warning. Jump back and forth left to right so you can block walkers in both directions. Sky’s the limit.
3. Find the position on the platform where the standing area is narrowest. If it looks like it should only be used as a thoroughfare, pace laterally and see if you can somehow never not be in the way.
4. Train’s coming! Enter the doors confidently, first if possible, and then abruptly stop. If you have to stand, maintain your position by the door at all costs; in the case of a train fire you can exit without pretending to help anyone.
5. Whoa, three seats are available! Find a way to use all of them. If you brought multiple bags they can be your best friends. When’s the last time you tried to do a split?
6. If a woman is sitting next to you, you’re in luck! They can be very compact if they cross their legs and keep their purses and children in their laps.
7. Ignore the boundaries of personal aural space as well. Consider a spoken word piece, or just unplug your headphones and let the Michael Bublé rip. When in doubt, remember that sound Xena: Warrior Princess used to make?
8. Now is the perfect moment to finally see if you can do a back handspring.
9. Time to exit the train. Dealer’s choice: get up three stops early and hover over 2-3 people uncomfortably, or wait until the doors start to close at your stop and bolt. (Bonus points if you have to wedge your oversized gym bag between them.)
10. Repeat steps 1 & 2 in reverse. This time, really challenge yourself to be the alpha dog. Run down the stairs, preferably at rush hour, with your arms spread akimbo. For an added thrill, yell “bomb in the station!” as you go. See if you can get someone on the sidewalk to walk into oncoming traffic to get around you. You’re the king of the world.
