Oh, I see you, but I’m not opening the window. Are you chasing me or do you live there?
What’s confusing is why you chose to build your elaborate spider web on the outside of an object that regularly moves 50 mph on a daily basis. Is “location, location, location” not a thing in the world of arthropods? If you had cased the area before settling down, you would have noticed that the inside of this giant human terror box is peaceful and gets much less wind. You must be friends with the spider in my apartment who built his web on the ceiling fan. He died, by the way. Sorry.
I can’t think of a worse place on the car to have built your web. Maybe the exhaust pipe or the windshield wipers or right beneath one of the rapidly firing engine pistons. If there was a listicle for spiders on the hottest places to build your spider web, “desperately clinging to a side view mirror at 50 mph” would probably not be one of them. Do spiders read listicles?
For instance, I rented a new apartment recently. You know where it is? Fastened to the ground. I’m not living on the wing of a 747 or in the earlobe of a giant. It’s just a one-bedroom and the place doesn’t rock back and forth because it’s located on something that has to run errands. We differ that way.
Your spider web looks like the tornado house in The Wizard of Oz. Individual strands are breaking off as we speak. I’m not going to help you, but I’m not going to save you, either. I have a strict no hop-ons policy. This isn’t some independent movie where I feel sorry for you and let you in the car and then buy you a cup of coffee at a diner. I’m not making that mistake again.
Luckily for you, there’s a stop sign ahead. But after that I’m getting on the highway where the speed limit is 70 mph and I doubt your web can take it. You should probably pack up your belongings and lower yourself from the car at the intersection. I’ll even wait to make sure you crawl safely to the side of the road. From there I suggest you find some under-the-table work and keep a low profile.
Not going to move, huh? Alright, I warned you. We’re hitting 60 mph and now 70 mph and holy hell I’ll be damned. That is some crazy strong webbing you’ve got there. If I tied a balloon to the car with string it’d be long gone.
Wait a second, are you giving me the finger right now? Do spiders know what a finger is? It hurts more somehow because of how many legs you have. You son of a bitch. If it’s war you want it’s war you’ll get! You think I’ve got no more moves? I’ll take this car to 150 mph if I have to. And see this button? It adjusts the side view mirror. That’s right, you built your stupid house on a moving part of a moving car. That’s twice the stupidity.
Let’s take things up a notch and see just how strong that web is. Here we go.
Shit! A cop’s pulling me over. Look, I’m sorry. Just be cool. Be cool.
