What I love about this prospect is he can switch the pick-and-roll and guard positions one through five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. OH MY GOD! I have five fingers! That’s such a relief. That’s how many I’m supposed to have, right? Not that there is any right or wrong when it comes to fingers. Fingers are fingers are fingers.
Whoa, that guy jumps like a kangaroo. He’s so bouncy. Wait, is he a kangaroo? I have so many questions. Like, what if he puts the ball in his pouch and just hops around with it. Is that traveling? And is there a baby in the pouch? And if there is, does it count as a player and what position would it play?
The thing that jumps out at you on his tape is just how long he is. Speaking of long, wouldn’t it be wild if one of those ten-foot-long party submarine sandwiches played basketball? I’m picturing it piled high with tomatoes and ham and turkey. Maybe even a few jalapeño peppers? And it’s just standing there in the paint because, you know, it’s a sandwich, but no one can score because it’s as tall as the basket! But is it just a sandwich? That’s the real question we have to ask ourselves.
When it comes to crashing the boards, this guy just has a nose for the ball. But what if somebody had a ball for a nose? And what if that person was Jesus? And what if Jesus with a basketball for a nose came back and we all made fun of him for having a giant, orange round nose that bounced. And the kids on the school playground started picking him up and trying to dribble his face into the ground. And Jesus just took it because, well, he’s Jesus and he wiped the little pieces of asphalt off his humongous nose with a disappointed look on his face and said, “I gave you another chance and this is how you repay me?” And then he pumped helium into his nose and floated off into the clouds. Have you ever thought about that?
His athleticism, skill, and power are reminiscent of Charles Barkley. Hey, does anyone remember those Right Guard ads when Sir Charles hunted foxes? Funny thing just happened. One of those foxes was driving my Uber on the way over here tonight. It was wild! He was so insightful, too. I usually don’t like when Uber drivers try to make small talk, but this talk wasn’t small at all. “What is death, really, but life,” he said. My mind was blown. Oh wow, and the fox is here now. Didn’t know you were part of the telecast, my man!
This combo guard is versatility personified. He’s a long and strong wing who’s literally… green? The dude is green. Actually, everything is swimming in this faint but undeniable green haze. Has everything always looked this way and I’m just now seeing clearly or has my perception been perpetually altered by an event beyond my control? Why are you all looking at me like that? WHY? Oh shit, I just remembered I have a face.
Talk about a great motor. This guy has it. Vroom vroom! Guys, get this… I’m a car now! But not like a regular car, an endless car. When you climb inside, there is no beginning or end, it just keeps going in every direction. Anyone want a ride? I will blow your mind. Or is it the other way around? Let’s think about that for a minute.
His quickness and tight ball-handling make his playmaking a reality. But what is reality? If you look for reality, does it not disappear like the defenders this prospect leaves in his wake every time he employs a modified Iverson crossover? Without the safety net of language and concepts, objects and their functions are completely devoid of significance, right? All we can perceive is perception itself, the hellscape of forms and figures devoid of meaning when they are unmoored from the tyranny of language and set free in the limitless, illusion-breaking understanding of true consciousness. I’d be surprised if this youngster doesn’t go in the top ten, maybe even the top five if a team sees past his injury history.
This kid’s draft stock is complicated by the fact that he only played a handful of games… handful of games. That’s a funny phrase, isn’t it? Can you picture, I mean literally picture, a handful of games. I can. What I’m seeing is this giant hand holding these hologram screens of live games stacked one on top of the other and happening simultaneously. It’s quite beautiful, actually. Jesus Christ. What the hell am I saying?
What makes this kid such an attractive prospect is his well-roundedness. I mean, talk about the total package. This kid can get it done at both ends of the floor. Pardon me viewer, but I actually have a question for my commentary partner. Jay, listen, have you been to the bathroom recently? No. No. Listen to me. It’s like a whole new world in there. And when you pee… wait, what are you doing? We don’t have to break for a commercial for like another, oh my God, how long have we been sitting here?
