Hey there, white male suburban consumer. We know you’re a white male suburbanite because this ad is on Facebook and that’s the ony demographic on this site. You’ve heard of grass-fed beef, right? Of course you have. You’re an upper-middle-class white person! You cooked grass-fed filet mignon on your Big Green Egg when you had the Kleins over last Sunday to gripe about the new “urban” members at the country club.
But we digress.
Forget we ever even mentioned grass-fed beef. Then, forget everything you ever thought you knew about lawn care. And then, somehow, try to imagine a whole pile of grass-fed steaks being sprayed through a wood chipper and onto your front yard. Doesn’t that sound awesome!? Fuck yeah it does!
Introducing Beef-fed Grass™ from Scotts Turf Builder, the only fertilizer made entirely of 100% USDA Prime Angus Beef.
Beef-fed Grass™ is a game changer in the summertime lawn care arsenal. Sure, you can keep your grass well-watered, insect-proofed, and keep your mower blades extra sharp. But nothing will get your lawn as plush and perfect as a bag of what feels like sawdust made entirely of cow parts.
Beef-fed Grass™ is 100% guaranteed to have every New Balance-wearing dad in your subdivision shouting, “Holy FUCK, look at Gary’s lawn. How does he do it?”
And you get to yell back from across the street, “Even my GRASS eats more protein than you, Bill!”
“Wait,” you might be asking yourself. “Grass is made of plant cells. They only create energy through photosynthesis. How could animal proteins breach the cell and be turned into energy by the mitochondria?”
Maybe quit asking so many stupid questions, nerd. You’re a man, right? You like steak, right? So why the fuck wouldn’t your lawn also like steak? Our proprietary formula is engineered specifically to get nutrient-dense cow meat deep inside every blade of grass in your yard so that shit will grow like a goddam motherfucker!
Beef-fed Grass™ from Scotts Turf Builder: Feed your lawn like a man.
