LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Senator Tom Cotton awoke Sunday morning deeply shaken after one of his usual homoerotic incest dreams took a sinister turn to lucid, terrifying images of world peace.
“I always look forward to my sexy daddy dreams,” the freshman senator from Arkansas said. “But what horrifies me most, if dreams really are a manifestation of the subconscious, is just what the hell all that world peace business was doing in there?”
Cotton said things were just getting good when his dad, shirtless and sweaty, fixed the family truck’s muffler and asked for a lemonade to cool off.
“But then all of a sudden I was watching thousands of bombs and munitions being dismantled while children sang joyously in the street. I woke up in a cold sweat,” he said.
Cotton described a magical, parallel world where each year, the $1 trillion defense budget was spent on all the balloons that replaced cancer.
“Nothing about my experience in Iraq could have prepared me for such nightmarish things.”
