“Which is why you are the only one with a heart pure enough to save Extrecia!” Zorbis, a two-foot-tall bearded gnome exclaims as he leads you by the hand away from the Roots stage.
You were looking forward to hearing Bloc Party perform all of their 2005 seminal album Silent Alarm, but this literal call to adventure is hard to pass up. Especially because you are also this magical kingdom’s rightful king/queen/god emperor. According to Zobris, all you need to do is hop into the portal at the base of the porta-potty he crawled out of to be transported to this magical realm, but he doesn’t seem to be sure about which one that was.
“We must make haste! Melchior the Terrible is laying waste to our lands as we speak. Now I’m pretty sure the porta-potty was over by those two women fighting and that unicycler,” Zorbis says. “Or maybe it was over by the one stand serving Revolution tallboys?”
Zorbis says once you shimmy through the hole in the seat, the portal will activate the second you touch the bottom of the tank, transporting you to the luscious lollipop fields of Lickzuliata. Which would be one thing if anyone could seem to aim into the hole instead of Jackson Pollocking the walls, seat, ceiling, and somehow outside handle of every porta-potty at this music fest. But what if he’s wrong? He seems really lost. It’s bad enough having to pee in one of these steamy saunas, let alone searching them for signs of some magic door.
“No wait! Gwar was playing. Which stage was Gwar playing at? The Rage stage? It’s almost certainly one of the toilets near that. We’ll probably have to try out a few before we find it. For Extrecia!”
Obviously you don’t want to be the kind of chosen savior to complain about being given magic powers and a mystical land to rule over as some sort of god king, but Zobris has no idea which of these porta-potties he crawled out of and there are hundreds of them. All identical. All filled with the runny shits of a hundred teens on the comedown from molly. He’s climbed into four already. The smell is atrocious and people are staring.
He claims, “You can live a hundred lives in Exrecia before a mere five minutes pass in your realm,” but at this point if he doesn’t find the right toilet soon you’re never going to get a good spot for the Raconteurs performance. Which you know isn’t as important as “preventing genocide” but you paid like $150 for your pass and if you can’t see Jack White up close, then what’s the point?
“This time I’ve got it! I remember this Goose Island can floating at the bottom. Lower yourself into the tank and we will present you with the Crown of Third Sight to show us the way to victory! What’s that? You want me to go down first… Again. Yes my liege.”
As Zorbis calls for you to help him out of the sixth toilet with no magical portal, you finally figure out how to lock the stall door from the outside. You two can save Extrecia from the lollipop lord or whatever after you watch the closing acts and take a few rides on the ferris wheel.
Also, you have way more drink tickets than you thought, so if you don’t use all of those that’s just wasting money. Zorbis would understand.