- Mitch McConnell vowing to never allow a vote on any gun legislation while simultaneously shitting his lunch soup into an already soiled diaper.
- Broadcasting live from the last square acre of dry land on earth, the cast of Fox & Friends touts Trump’s deregulation of the oil and gas industry.
- Jerry Falwell Jr. screaming about “Christian family values,” having just jizzed into the glory hole of a truck stop bathroom.
- Mike Huckabee drinking the blood of a dog his son recently slaughtered while ranting unintelligibly about “civility.”
- Donald Trump tweeting that Ted Cruz doesn’t have a penis and Ted Cruz cutting off his own dick to prove Trump right.
- Rudy Guiliani having an actual stroke and dying, live on MSNBC.
- Dan Crenshaw gouging out his other eye so he can finally say he “sees no wrongdoing by Trump” with enough honesty to sleep at night.
- After a mass school shooting in Florida, Marco Rubio talks about the dangers of vaping, from atop the pile of bodies.
- Dr. Frankenstein brings to life a pile of Trump’s feces, which Trump names acting Secretary of State. Mike Pompeo seems completely fine with the decision.
- Lindsey Graham thirstily suckling at Trump’s butthole, an act known in GOP circles as “kissing the ring.”
