Let’s face it, folks. In these fraught times, now, more than ever, we need to embrace a system of universal healthcare. Currently, over ten percent of all Americans have no health insurance whatsoever. And, for the good of the entire nation, we need to reform our broken healthcare system immediately.
That’s why, to show my support for universal healthcare, for the next three weeks, I will be chaining myself to this majestic 2,000-year-old sequoia tree, and will be donating $50 to Oxfam each day until every single man, woman, and child in Tibet is free from the tyranny of China.
Because Tibet needs our help, America… and they need it now.
See, I don’t know if you’ve been reading a newspaper or not, America. But every day, the brave people of Tibet are being controlled by a CORRUPT TOTALITARIAN REGIME. And, as the leaders of the free world, it is our moral duty to uphold the sacred tenets of democracy before it’s too late!
Seriously. Are we just going to sit idly by while this persecution continues? Or are we going to take action?
Call me crazy, but I vote for the second option!
That’s why, in addition to being chained to this gorgeous, centuries-old, redwood sequoia, I will also be eating nothing but CRUELTY-FREE, FAIR-TRADE, PACIFIC AHI TUNA for the next 47 hours.
Because our oceans are at risk, and the time for action is now, gosh darn it!
Seriously. Just consider the statistics for a second: did you know that, every year, approximately 100,000 dolphins are murdered by man-made pollutants such as MICROPLASTICS and CHEMICAL RUNOFF?
Yup. You heard me.
One hundred thousand dolphins a year.
That’s nearly 11 dolphins per hour.
Now I don’t know about you, but if you ask me, that number seems pretty freaking high. That’s why, for the next eight decades, I will be taking this battle to the streets and picketing the state capital to make sure that our so-called “government” finally ENDS THE WAR ON CHILDHOOD ILLITERACY!
Because we can’t forget about the children, can we, America?
And we also can’t forget about the veterans of the Spanish-American War either, now can we, America?!
Seriously. Just consider the statistics for a second. Did you know that, according to the latest research, approximately zero percent of all Americans are veterans of the Spanish-American War?
Yeah. You heard me… zero percent.
I’m sorry, but what?
This is America, dammit! And, if you ask me, that number should be at least SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT!!!
And yeah. I know it sounds idealistic. But remember, great times require great sacrifices. And if we fail to act now, then our proud nation will NEVER be able to stop the encroaching evils of INTERNET ADDICTION, STUDENT LOAN DEBT, and the BOKO HARAM.
Because we need to stop the military-industrial complex, America. Right here, right now. Or else our children will never forgive us for this generation’s RECKLESS INEPTITUDE.
Read my lips: “We. All. Need. To. Stop. Vaping.”
That’s why, to show my support for legalized gambling, for the next two seconds I will be eating my weight in delicious CRUELTY-FREE, FAIR-TRADE, PACIFIC AHI TUNA.
Because our oceans are at risk, America. Did you know that, every day, approximately 100,000 dolphins are murdered by man-made pollutants such as MICROPLASTICS and CHEMICAL RUNOFF?
And if you ask me, that number is just a little bit too low.
That’s right. I changed my position mid-essay. Now I’m anti-dolphin, motherfuckers.
That’s why, for the next seven hundred reincarnated lifetimes, I will be sending a series of STERNLY-WORDED EMAILS to the Agatha Christie estate to ensure that Spotify pays its artists a LIVING WAGE. Because we need to STOP stigmatizing premarital sex! And we need to start stigmatizing marital sex, America!
We need to march on Washington.
We need to start a letter-writing campaign to the U.S. Supreme Court.
We need to unchain me from this beautiful redwood sequoia tree because my legs are getting tired as all hell.
And, most importantly of all, we need to rise up, stand tall against the specter of tyranny, and finally, once and for all, IMPEACH OUR SITTING PRESIDENT!!!
And then replace him with PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER!!!
In summation and in conclusion: our nation is at war. And, unless we can find a way to take meaningful action against WALL STREET, SUPER PACS, and ISIS, then I worry that the brave men, women, and children of Tibet will never be able to provide every citizen of this proud nation with free universal healthcare, which is really what this whole thing has always been about, now isn’t it?
I trust that I’ve made myself perfectly clear, America.
Thank you for listening.