Hey! It’s me, from English class! Remember? Me neither! Anyways, I’m a bodybuilder now. Thought you could forget me, huh? Well now I lift really heavy things, and I want to show it to you on Instagram! Yes you, silly! You always were so funny!
But do you know what else is funny? Muscles that aren’t as big as mine! I know, I know, I was sort of just a “complete nobody” and served “no purpose” retaining space in your “memory” with nothing “of value” to “contribute” for years and years and blah blah blah. BORING! Anyways, haha, when I jumped up to full-time at Panera, I started to really think about my life and where I was going and how I’d watched The Office from start to finish at least twelve times and how this crippling weight of sadness was starting to crush me under all this pressure and I would spiral out like this multiple times a day and get really really down until I just realized you could just PUNCH the SHIT out of the SADNESS and instead get SUPER FUCKING JACKED! And I made a bunch of really cool friends too! Haha! Here are some pictures of them. You’re right, all of their eyes do look lonely!
I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve never heard you talk before. I don’t even have a memory associated with your face.” Guess what? Me neither! I didn’t even know I was sentient until I walked into a warehouse with concrete floors and did that thing where you whip two heavy ropes at the same time.
My friends and I get beers after we work out. Pretty cool, right? Sometimes I see the moms of my high school friends around town and wait to see if they recognize me. I masturbate to the looks of shock on their faces when they see how many heavy things I’ve been lifting.
Well, I have to get going now. You know what they say – this growth hormone made for race horses is starting to kick in, and if I don’t work out now, I’ll bleed from my eyes!
