Hello America! It’s time for another round of our new favorite pastime: Democratic primary debates! We are still well into the double-digits for candidates, and it seems even as some finally start dropping out we are being cursed with more campaigns we won’t be able to keep track of. It’s enough to make Kingdom Hearts seem restrained.
Fortunately, this next debate whittled things down to a mere ten candidates who will be sharing the stage. There are Broadway shows with less people on the stage at one time. It’s a lot. But I am here to help, with a helpful ranking of which candidates on stage matter. These rankings reflect not my personal preferences but the relative strength of each candidate’s campaign heading into the debate as determined by my own very objective and scientific method of reading lots of news articles.
And because this is all taking place in a hellish dystopia, each candidate also has their own drinking game rule to help you get blitzed and forget that our time on this Earth is finite and we are using it to listen to Tom Steyer.
Cheers!
1. Pete Buttigieg
Mayor Pete is surging! That has been the biggest news for him this past week, as a new Iowa poll found him comfortably in the lead there. While his national poll numbers are still much lower, a win in the first caucus would be a tremendous boost to his campaign, and could do for him what it did for Obama in 2008.
Of course, over half of that Iowa poll was made up of Republicans who don’t plan on participating in the caucus, and Mayor Pete has been having some issues getting support from black voters, despite having a number of fake endorsements and stock photos that say otherwise. So maybe he isn’t quite the next Obama.
Still, he is coming into the debate with the most momentum of any candidate. And he didn’t need to take any real policy stances to do it, instead relying on a call for unity while calling everyone else unrealistic! Take that, plans! Look for that trend to continue as Pete continues to sound like the most reasonable person on stage by not arguing for anything.
Drinking Rule: Take a drink every time Buttigieg chastises someone for having an idea.
2. Elizabeth Warren
After spending much of the year gaining traction and having her own surge, Warren’s polling has leveled off a bit. A lot of this has to do with the quagmire she found herself in with healthcare; she went all-in with Bernie on Medicare for All, but unlike Bernie refused to say she would raise taxes to pay for it. This left a lot of room for criticism on how she thought she could get way with such a move. Maybe she was going to sell America’s organs on the black market. Maybe she was magic and studied accounting at Hogwarts. Either way, her opponents pounced and the glowing media coverage she was getting got a little less bright.
That said, her recent plans on paying for and implementing the transition give her some footing in dealing with the criticism (though it is still much more convoluted than Bernie’s “taxes, sure” approach). And she still has one of the best ground games in Iowa, so she has a lot of ammunition to bring and reclaim her spot as the Not-Biden Darling of the primary.
Drinking Rule: Take a drink every time Warren raises her hand to answer a question like the Hermione Granger she is.
3. Bernie Sanders
Bernie finds himself in a strange position. He has one of the most passionate, dedicated base of supporters of any of the candidates, yet he can’t seem to really take off beyond them. This has resulted in consistently solid poll numbers, but despite big endorsements from three quarters of The Squad, he has seemingly plateaued. He also still needs to contend with questions about his age after the heart attack he suffered, which will be newly relevant in the wake of Trump’s unannounced “Phase 1” physical/McDonald’s intervention.
But there is no denying the passion he brings to a debate, and he has stuck with his stances on major policy issues longer than many other candidates have been in politics. Look for him wave his arms around for emphasis as he tries to make people care about non-rich folk.
Drinking Rule: Take a drink every time Bernie wrote a damn bill.
4. Kamala Harris
“Harris is number 4?!?” you scream at me. “Isn’t her campaign dead?!” It’s true her poll numbers are not great, and of all the candidates she seems to have squandered the most potential both in terms of the early hype of her campaign and the temporary boost she got from calling out Uncle Joe’s old-timey racism. Her wishy-washy stances on things like Medicare for All and her problematic history as a prosecutor have proved to be stumbling blocks her campaign has had no good answer for, and this is before we get to her lackluster fundraising.
The thing is, it is still really early in the actual primary process, it just feels like it has been forever because cable news needs to something to fill the silence when they can’t talk about Trump for another goddamn second. And for all her woes, Kamala is rearranging to focus on Iowa, which could be a lifesaver. Her acknowledgement that black voters are not a monolith also means she understands outreach to those communities more than most of the other candidates in the race. But what she needs more than anything is another standout debate moment. Look out, Uncle Joe.
Drinking Rule: Finish your drink when Harris talks about her childhood while staring unblinkingly at Biden just daring him to start shit.
5. Joe Biden
The former vice president may have entered the race as the presumptive frontrunner, but everything he has done since has seemed designed to test that narrative. His debate performances have ranged from passable to word-vomit. He talks up working with segregationists like it’s still 1955. And his fundraising has been so anemic he has had to open a Super PAC so his rich friends can keep chipping in. And even though Bernie is older, Biden can’t shake being the old man in the race, which isn’t helped by his insistence on being a living representation of the Principal Skinner meme, most recently illustrated by coming out against pot.
But goddamnit, he was Obama’s VP, and most Democratic voters still remember those years fondly, especially compared to the Trump’s Mad Lib Dystopia we are currently living through. His name recognition and the vague positive feelings associated with it have been enough to keep him going this far. In a lot of ways the race is still his to lose, and the debates leading up to Iowa will be the make-or-break for him. If he strings a couple stronger debate performances together and places well in Iowa, he will secure his staying power.
Drinking Rule: Whenever Biden mentions his time in the Obama administration, make someone else finish their beer and claim the achievement as your own.
6. Amy Klobuchar
On paper, Klobuchar probably thought she had it made. A senator who had successfully won campaigns in not just a swing state, but one that went for Trump in 2016? Why, she would be a savior for a Democratic Party terrified of losing to Trump a second time! Surely she could win back the white working-class voters that jumped the Obama ship to ride the Trump train (God that sentence was painful to write). She has that Midwestern appeal that traditionally serves politicians so well, and now more than ever we need a moderate who can work with both sides!
Nothing has turned out that way. Not only have Biden and now Buttigieg stolen the centrist lane from her, but the ascendency of Warren, Sanders, and a progressive left that has no time for middle-of-the-road pandering have kicked the legs out from underneath her campaign. The fact remains, though, that she does have some serious credentials, especially compared to Buttigieg, which must really eat her up inside. She has accomplishments she can tout in the debate, they just aren’t super flashy or status-quo-upending.
Drinking Rule: Take a drink every time Klobuchar tries to tell a focus-grouped joke (take an extra drink if she smirks and waits for a laugh break).
7. Cory Booker
Booker has bet big on being Mr. Positivity. His campaign has strived for a politeness all but extinct in the current (or any, really) political landscape, working on the assumption that this is the antidote to the hate spewing 24/7 from the current president’s Twitter feed. Unfortunately, most voters are aware that Trump eats, shits, eats again, and spits out polite societal norms. As such, Booker’s campaign has mostly been ignored despite him being a relatively high-profile politician, and his fundraising has lagged when he isn’t outright begging for cash.
He is still a high-profile senator, however, and especially with impeachment looming, it is possible he can turn that to his advantage. It would require him to stop playing as nice as he has been, but it would be doable. But first he has to hang on long enough for that to matter.
Drinking Rule: Whenever Booker mentions uniting the country, trade drinks with the person next to you and finish it.
8. Andrew Yang
One of two candidates on the stage with no political experience, Yang’s campaign has essentially been one big PSA on the dangers of automation (though he has yet to mention Skynet, which just seems like a major policy oversight). It is centered on his hook of a Freedom Dividend, which would provide a universal basic income to everyone to help keep us all from starving when the robots take over.
If that sounds bleak, that’s the Yang campaign! Full of messages about how it is too late to stop impending disasters like automation and climate change, so take some money and enjoy yourself while you can. This has surprisingly not caught on super well, despite the fact that he is literally trying to give us all money.
But hey, gimmicks can work, and if nothing else Yang is memorable. He has his super dedicated Yang Gang which likes to game online polls and rankings to help their candidate, and yell “Math!” at strangers presumably. But despite kind of bribing people to vote for him, he has yet to break through in the polls and his debate performances are very Public Speaking 101. He’ll be gone sooner rather than later.
Drinking Rule: When Yang mentions giving people money, drink the finest brandy you have cause we’re all gonna be rich, baby!
9. Tulsi Gabbard
It is honestly anyone’s guess what Gabbard is doing in this race, though some people have theories. In a primary where the two candidates seeing how far left they can go are raking in donor dollars and combined are the preference for nearly half of polled voters, Gabbard seems to think appealing to Republicans is a winning strategy and has become a darling of right-wing media. That includes Tucker Carlson, that guardian of Democratic ideals. Not exactly the audience that is going to be showing up to vote in the primary, which may be why her poll numbers have always been underwater.
She has also been incredibly resistant to impeaching Trump, only at the last minute supporting the inquiry and then joining Republicans in trashing the proceedings. That’s a… pretty weird position to take in a primary that is all about getting Trump out of office, and only looks worse the more evidence surfaces as a result of the inquiry and hearings. Her days are limited unless Russia, er, the RNC makes a large donation to her campaign.
Drinking Rule: Take a drink every time Gabbard says something the GOP will use as a sound bite against the Democratic nominee in the general.
10. Tom Steyer
Oh man, a rich white guy is running for president. HOW NOVEL. The candidate nobody asked for has managed to get onto the stage by flooding the internet with ads and pumping up his name recognition. He then made exactly zero impression at his debut debate performance, and when he was asked questions seemed just as bewildered that he was there as the rest of us.
This is the definition of a vanity campaign, kept afloat solely by his own personal wealth that could be used to do almost anything else to be more helpful, but it’s worth it if it means he won’t have to pay a wealth tax. He spent $47 million dollars on his bid to get all the way up to *checks notes* 1%. That is a worse misuse of funds since I spent actual money to see Apollo 18 in the movie theater. Thanks to his wealth and narcissism he will likely stick around for a while, but no one will care.
Drinking Rule: Drink every time you see Steyer and then drink some more.