Hey there, Internet. I see you guys are all having a lot of fun at my expense. I see what you’ve been saying about me. That I’m uncreative, that I’m tone deaf, that I wasn’t worth the $450,000 of taxpayer money the state shelled out for such horrible work.
Laugh it up, because no matter what you say about me, I fucking worked. Am I just one really unthoughtful pun packaged in piss-poor design that might have been art directed by a silverback gorilla who just learned Adobe Creative Suite? Sure. Do I have all the subtlety of that same gorilla throwing his fibrous shit at the glass walls of his enclosure? Yes. And you know what else is hideous, loud, and aggressively ugly? Meth addiction.
Point is, I’m a huge success. That’s right. MASSIVE success. Sure, there are more artistic ways to address issues of methamphetamine addiction in our society. Sorry I don’t have the poetic lyricism of Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life.” Or the captivating storytelling of Breaking Bad. Or the quiet dignity of Dog the Bounty Hunter. Or the hilarity of an episode of Cops.
But what I do have is about fifty million earned media impressions in a single day. I’ve been retweeted more times than a TikTok dance. I made front-page news in the middle of a motherfucking impeachment hearing! You guys can talk all the shit you want. But my job was to spread the word that South Dakota has a meth problem, and guess what? Every one of you fuckers knows that now. I am the LeBron James of PSAs, you bunch of bitches.
So you guys can keep on making fun of me. But you know what, when your shitty-ass state needs an ad campaign to help with your opioid crisis, or rabid alligator infestation, or maybe just more meth, don’t come crawling back to me.
Because, well, not to plagiarize my own self, but: Fuck You. I’m on It.
