Are you tired of buying your anti-vax friends the same old boring gifts, like child-sized coffins and pre-paid hospital stays? You might think that due to this person’s fear of basic chemical compounds most traditional gifts are off-limits, but fear not! This holiday season, give the rebellious friend in your life who laughs in the face of mother nature and her so-called dangerous communicable diseases the awesome gift they deserve!
A Pair of Horses
Since the anti-vaxxer in your life shuns modern conveniences like immunity to death and paralysis-inducing diseases, consider showing them how much their friendship means to you by trading in their car for a pair of horses. Your friend may be initially upset, but in the end, they will thank you. Not only will you be saving them a ton of cash on car insurance and repairs, you’ll also be saving them a ton of time. They’ll be able to walk right up on horseback wherever they need to go – no waiting in traffic or aimlessly looking for parking spaces ever again. Possible pairing options include a chamber pot, wooden dentures, or a covered wagon to really invoke that warm feeling of yesteryear, back when polio paralyzed, measles killed, and rotavirus was the original colonics.
Re-creation of the Quarantine Scene from E.T.
If a pair of horses seems like too much of a lifestyle adjustment for your anti-vax friend, consider taking a more sterile approach by turning their entire home into a quarantine zone, just like the one in the movie E.T. After all, nothing could be more reassuring to your anti-vax friend that their immune system is not at risk of being overloaded than covering their entire house in a layer of plastic. Their unvaccinated heart is bound to fill with holiday cheer when you recreate one of the creepiest movie scenes from their childhood. Christmas lights can even be added to the plastic tubing leading up to the doorway for an added touch of holiday magic. Instead of taking off their shoes, guests will be asked to put on hazmat suits as a fun change of pace. No one in THAT family is going to be exposed to too many chemicals at one time!
Custom Sweater
You would never want to insult your friend’s intelligence by suggesting that vaccines do not actually cause autism. It would, however, be completely acceptable for their apparel to suggest it instead. There would be no better way to achieve this than through a sweater spun from the hair of children who have passed away from the measles in 2019. A thoughtful touch would be to adorn the front of the sweater with the words “Better to have died of measles, than to have lived with autism.” The best part of this gift is that it is 100% organic, so your friend will not have to worry about the government concealing information regarding the sweater’s risks and effectiveness.
Trip to Mercury
If there is one thing the anti-vax friend in your life cannot tolerate, it is heavy metals of any kind. ESPECIALLY aluminum. At eight percent of our planet’s crust, that pesky element is damn near unavoidable here on Earth! So if your budget allows, why not show your friend how much you care by sending them to a place where aluminum is NOT so abundant, like Mercury? The closest planet to the sun is, after all, being discussed by scientists as the next Mars! Not only do the extremely hot temperatures on Mercury tend to vaporize those foul heavy metals that your friend so despises, they will also get a much-needed break during their five-month-long journey aboard a spacecraft. The lack of an atmosphere on Mercury might be a bit of a challenge once they arrive, but the near-absence of any toxins will make it #soworthit!
Exotic Safari Vacation
Since a trip to Mercury may be a little unrealistic, why not indulge your friend’s dependence on herd immunity by treating them to an exotic safari vacation, complete with an authentic herd experience? A herd of aggressive African buffaloes would probably be best. Simply place your friend into the herd, sit back, and let natural selection do the rest.
