BEDFORD FALLS, NY – For the twenty-fourth time in his thirty-eight years, local man George Bailey delayed his Christmas suicide once again.
Bailey, a frustrated man perpetually at the end of his rope, opted not to drown himself this year after interacting with an angel, Clarence Odbody, who showed him that the happiness of his entire hometown rested on Bailey’s slumped, weary shoulders.
“Yeah yeah, I’m sticking around, I guess,” Bailey said. “Another banner year for George Bailey on the way. I don’t know. Maybe I can sell a kidney to old man Potter and buy a ticket to Monte Carlo.”
This year’s decision came shortly before Bailey received generous donations from Bedford Falls citizens to rectify a sizable business debt. This money, though, is “nothing but a stopgap until the next shoe drops,” according to Bailey.
“Oh, there’ll be something else. That one year I was gonna step in front of a train because Uncle Billy needed the life insurance for that operation. Then POOF! A leprechaun shows me how to do gallbladder surgery. Back in ‘41, Mary and me were having a buncha rows and then she found me with that rope. What happened next? The ghost of my father gave us marriage counseling. Next year it’ll be pills and a goddamn genie, just you watch.”
Though his claims may sound fanciful, sources have confirmed that George Bailey serves as a sort of “linchpin” for the universe, with reality itself depending on his eternal suffering. According to Clarence Odbody, “God’s made it quite clear. He has to stay within the county lines and he has to be miserable. Otherwise the whole house of cards comes tumbling down.”
Despite this, Bailey appears committed to one day carrying out his suicidal desires.
“They’re not gonna stop me forever,” he said. “I know where I’m heading. There’s a little cemetery – just outside of town. Oh yes, that’s just where I’ll go.”
