Eggnog
What does eggnog smell like? Well, this, I guess! I know you like eggnog. I’m positive because one time I saw you drink it at the holiday Christmas party. That was crazy, right? We all went to McFallon’s after… oh, you weren’t there? I could have sworn… you know what, I’m thinking of Marty. Marty was there. You should have come!
Gingerbread
This smell will remind you of baking cookies at a young age with your family, when they actually cared about who you were becoming and what your interests involved. You could expect a new basketball under the tree, or maybe a bike – a puppy if you were really lucky. This year, though? A $13.99 candle from Yankee Candle. Not bad but also not good! Mid-tier, just like you!
Fireplace
This candle is fire-scented and, guess what, it has fire in it too! That’s right, you’re so impossible to shop for that I got you a candle-scented candle. Maybe you should get a hobby. Literally a single thing I can purchase for you during these godforsaken holidays. When I asked what you do for fun you told me “gym and Netflix.” What am I supposed to do with that?
Pine Tree
This one will remind you of the great outdoors; not that you’d know, since all your interests involve being on your phone in different indoor locations. You have been outdoors, right? I’m sure I’ve seen you on a beach or something. Would a hat have been a good gift? Maybe sunscreen? I can’t tell anymore.
Cinnamon
Is this Christmas? Does it matter? The chances are that you’ll regift this candle anyway. You’ll tell all your friends that I don’t know you at all; you’ve been dropping hints about that red ruby necklace for WEEKS? This is truly the best gift of all, because you can regift it all year long. You’re welcome.