As an adjunct professor of astrophysics from Stanford, I didn’t want to believe him either. All my years of study had previously convinced me that if Earth had been visited by extraterrestrial life the scientific community would have been made aware, whether through odd heat signatures in our upper atmosphere, or disruptions in radio waves, or even just cell phone footage from one of the millions of people carrying an HD camera in their pocket. But today, former Blink-182 guitarist and co-lead singer Tom DeLonge showed me indisputable proof that aliens have made contact when he inserted a silver twelve-inch futuristic cylinder object into his rectum.
Like, the whole way.
DeLonge, host of the History Channel’s show Unidentified: Inside America’s UFO Investigation, has been trying to convince nonbelievers of the existence of aliens for years. Most people have brushed off his findings as a silly obsession with conspiracy theories. However, I can verify with absolute certainty, this futuristic-looking silver pipe thing – with tons of flashing lights – fits snugly in his anus.
I am staring at it in there right now. At first, you would think there’s no earthly way it could fit in there. But when you see that it does, Occam’s razor makes it clear that this pipe-like object isn’t of earthly origins.
The object itself is a smooth cylinder similar to an average pipe in shape and circumference, but this is no ordinary pipe. This “space rod,” as Tom refers to it, is covered with lights, has a large antenna at the base, vibrates at a variety of different speeds, and emits a strange noise akin to a theremin. Could this be how these off-worlders communicate?
The Angels and Airwaves frontman certainly seems to think so. Claiming they come to Earth to routinely probe musicians, possibly to teach us how to communicate in their language, Tom swears he and most of the guys from Sum 41 have been probed by these aliens. Though none could be reached for comment.
DeLonge still isn’t sure why he was chosen or why these aliens probe him on Thursdays. When asked why he has their probing device, he claimed it sometimes gets stuck, and the aliens left for some “rocket lube” to try and get it out, but then he relaxed and it fell out. He wouldn’t let me take the device to study the materials it was made with because the aliens will need it tomorrow evening when they stop time to probe him some more.