It’s bound to happen in most residential homes. Maybe you left a few crumbs on the table, the weather started getting colder, or you were promoting your new coming-of-age sitcom coming to CBS this October.
Whatever the reason, you now have a Jimmy Fallon infestation. Here are a few important ways to get rid of the vermin:
1. Cut Off His Entry Points: This one is easy. Whatever you do, stop opening up the door for a casual conversation about your recent vacation to Hawaii. Don’t carry around any printed Instagram posts you’ll have to explain. If you were coaxed into getting a fake tattoo with another celebrity, be sure to keep it covered up in the home. Really resist the urge to ask for this week’s Saturday Night Live musical guest. This could worsen your Fallon infestation, and might even invite Seth Meyers indoors.
2. Skip the Pre-interview: If Jimmy Fallon sets up in your home, you might also notice some production assistants crawling up your drain pipes. They tend to go for your neck, so they can mic you up. An underpaid intern follows you around asking if you played pranks on set, and if Meryl Streep is really as enchanting as she seems. Though annoying, they’ll disappear once cut off from their source, so just agree with whoever is holding a clipboard until Jimmy (is his real name James?) Is exterminated.
3. Hide Your Games: For those still hoarding PlayStation 3 games and a mismatched stack of UNO cards, happy garage sale day! Fallon loves a good game, and the more options available, the worse the infestation festers. Fallon setting up shop in your studio kitchen might be annoying, but asking if he can be the race car in a game of Monopoly means you’ll never get him out.
4. Lay Traps: You’ll first need to spot the droppings. Look for blank prop Thank You Notes, usually hidden behind couches or in the drawer of a plywood desk with his name on the front. Replace the note cards with a wig and a microphone. Fallon is drawn to impressions, especially musical ones, so these are likely a safe bet for protecting your home.
5. Sanitize Everything: Clean up your act. Cursing is meant for rock stars, musicians, witches, and Jimmy Fallon circa 1998. Since he now boasts a squeaky clean status and popular talk show, the draw of dirt has increased. Turn your “WTF” to an “OMG” for the FCC!
6. Laugh Tracks: While not proven to work, laugh tracks can be an effective tool to expel your Fever Pitch protagonist. The shock of recorded laughter is rumored to be so jarring that Fallon will pack up and leave, though others report he will try to talk over the laughter, confusing it for a real, overly polite guest.
7. Shame: There are no perfect methods, but should any of these fail, just call your local Lin-Manuel Miranda for extermination protocol (a lively and charming man-on-the-street segment).