“I think coronavirus will accelerate the return of jobs to North America.” – Wilbur Ross on Fox News
First, let me start by saying that this rapidly mutating, antibiotic-immune strain of the bubonic plague is a global tragedy. Our hearts go out to all of those suffering, especially the ones choking to death on the pus-like fluid filling their lungs. That said, the re-emergence of this super virus will finally bring jobs back to where they belong: the 1350’s.
For too long we have watched our jobs shipped into the future. The pressure of the global economy to advance alongside technology and an increasingly modern consumer base has led to hard times for the forgotten American worker. But with this new pandemic ravaging civilization, we can finally go back to simpler times, like when people just made candles and painted naked ladies and stuff.
This new strain of bubonic plague is a nightmare, to be sure. The oozing pustules, the bleeding out of hair follicles, the eyeballs just inexplicably popping right out of eye sockets. It’s all very heartbreaking. And gross. It’s very, very gross.
But, as an American, I am an optimist. And as a billionaire, I don’t know what pessimism means. But hear me when I tell you, this plague is great for our economy. Pretty soon, after most humans are dead, we will have a booming dystopia with jobs very much resembling that of the Middle Ages. Goat herders, carpenters, funny hat makers. Jobs like these will be in high demand, and the American worker will stand ready to fill the position.
So please, America. Don’t look at this nightmarish outbreak with paranoia. Don’t let the pocked boils or molding flesh of the deceased scare you into thinking you need to use hand sanitizer. This is an opportunity! You can be whatever you want to be. As long as what you want to be is a cartographer, or a calligrapher, or some type of thing that involves using a quill and parchment.
And when you figure out what sort of old-timey thing it is you want to do, I’ll be here, ready to capitalize off of your labor.
