LAS VEGAS – Presidential hopeful Mike Bloomberg shocked the nation last night with a Vegas bender that cost over $400 million and ended in an astonishing display of public humiliation that aired live on NBC.
The exhibition of utter dominance began when Lester Holt, debate moderator and true daddy, asked Bloomberg about the stop-and-frisk policy he enacted as mayor of New York. Bloomberg responded that he is embarrassed about stop-and-frisk and deserves to be punished. He then leaned over his podium and moaned, “I hope I don’t get spanked for this!”
Senator Elizabeth Warren obliged, reprimanding him for his racist policies and spanking him as the crowd jeered.
“If you really wanted us to stop you’d release your tax returns!” yelled Mayor Pete Buttigieg, who watched from a chair nearby.
“Don’t stop! Don’t stop!” replied Bloomberg, staring straight at the NBC cameras.
“Now tell us about all the sexist jokes you’ve made at work,” Warren whispered as she pulled his hair.
Former Vice President Joe Biden joined in, slapping him in the face, as he demanded Bloomberg release the women he has harassed from their non-disclosure agreements. “Please don’t talk about my NDAs!” squealed the ecstatic Bloomberg as Biden and Warren double-teamed him in front of a screaming crowd and the entire nation.
The mayor left the debate breathless, with a satisfied expression on his face.
“Mayor Bloomberg has always been a sub,” campaign manager Kevin Sheekey commented. “This was his way of showing America just how proud he is of his identity.”
“I’m already looking forward to the next debate,” said a heaving, sweaty Bloomberg. “That was well worth the money spent, and I can’t wait to do it all over again.”
