- Seemingly in childbirth, but actually just from attempting to pass the three goats I ate in one sitting.
- Being the Syphilis Sarah of the village.
- Turns out, the mammoth didn’t want to play with me.
- I tried to ask, “Where is the Roman bath?” but my Latin is poor and it came out, “Your slave doesn’t want to see you naked, you know.”
- Chanced some iffy mushrooms because I got lazy on the way to the town well.
- Burned as a witch for suggesting to my doctor that uterus-ghosts cannot be cured by spitting at them.
- FYI, shoes made of cat hair are not effective on a glacier.
- Shouted, “Let them snort cocaine!” from my castle balcony during the peasant revolt. I still maintain they would have been a lot less uptight.
- Raw pigeon is not a delicacy. I discovered that.
- Forced to marry Osbert the Fascinated-With-Licking-Doorknobs.
- Forced to marry Borin the Likes-to-Bathe-in-Blood-LOL-Just-Kidding.
- Poisoned my husband, Fendril the Also-Got-Married-to-My-Hotter-Sister.
- Married my wife, Sybbyl the Mostly-Good-at-Disguising-Herself-as-a-Man.
- Too short to navigate snow drifts.
- Dragged my man-friend Grok into the cave by his hair as a feminist protest.
- Taught myself to read.
- Gladiating is hard, yo.
- Martyrdom for my one-woman religion, the Holy Protestation of the I’m Tired of Cleaning the Garderobe With My Hair.
- Genghis Khan failed to appreciate my side-splitting standup routine about him and his horse. Get it? Side-splitting? That shit hurts.
- Corset gave me an infected boob splinter.
- Virgin birth scams are hard to pull off.
- Made a dramatic speech to Jack the Ripper that I was going to tell the police who he was instead of just doing it straight away.
- Alas, at the height of the Black Plague, Ruddy Rachel’s Amazingeth Rat Circus was short-lived.
- Husband got tired of me trying to set up permanent residence in the Red Tent. It was just so nice and quiet in there.
- Took a job adorning objects with radium paint instead of just becoming a prostitute like mother told me.
