If you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, then we have the perfect low-effort remedy! The Food and Drug Administration has just released a study recommending that Americans think about exactly five to seven clams a day.
The study states that by simply thinking about clams, and the answerless questions they bring, people work their brains harder, keeping them more prepared for complex thinking. Are they alive? Can they bite? Are they okay to eat? Wait, am I thinking about oysters? These are just some of the complex questions that come to mind when thinking about clams (please do not actually think about oysters instead of clams as we cannot safely say what the results will be).
The hard outer shells playing host to a figureless glob of pure life are often on peoples’ minds during their day to day, but now we finally know how often we should be thinking about them. The FDA says thinking about any number of clams less than five is simply not enough to receive their positive effects. The administration went on in its report to say that less than five is “pure laziness” and “kiddie stuff.”
However, there is a firm limit to how many clams are worth thinking about. The study claims that thinking about eight or more clams is unhealthy. It states, “Eight clams? Eight is way too many. You gotta get out there and live your life. Summon the courage and go ask that girl at the coffee shop on a date. Grow closer with her than anyone you’ve ever felt you loved. Get married and start a family. Watch your kids grow up and hope they don’t grow up to be like you, but instead grow up to be better than you. Live your best life, because tomorrow is never a guarantee. You can’t do that if you’re sitting there thinking about clams all day.”