As the subject of my auto reply suggests, I’m currently unable to respond to your message.
In an attempt to discover deeper meaning in my role here as Program Coordinator, I’ve taken a formidable dose of LSD and the walls of my apartment could very well swallow me up at any second.
I must remain alert and I appreciate your flexibility.
In my absence, please direct all correspondence to Molly in account services (molly@accountservices.com). She should respond in a timely fashion and will be much less likely to do so in bright pink Comic Sans and Wingdings.
If, however, Molly is unable to get back to you, please forward your email to the fifty-foot hippopotamus (fiftyfooter@hippo.com) that’s settled into the kitchenette of my studio apartment. She keeps insisting that her name is Denise, but I’m not convinced I can trust her at this point in time. And while she may come off as aggressive, if you would kindly attach one mango and three Spanish mackerel to your email, she should be able to help with your request in a way that’s satisfactory to your needs.
If your matter is more urgent and you don’t have the time to wait for Molly nor the mango/ mackerel-related materials, please feel free to join me for an in-person discussion in my living room-style office. By the time you receive this message, I should either be lying on the carpet in the fetal position discussing last quarter’s sales report with the fibers of my area rug or pacing around my front yard in my underwear.
To get here, simply take a left out of our office parking lot, follow signs for I-95, take exit 14B, stop at the Taco Bell on Reservoir Ave, order three Double Decker Tacos and some cinnamon twists and from there, it’s just two more rights, a left, three more rights, and one more left at the corner of Stimson and I Can Taste All the Colors of the Universe. You can’t miss it. Mostly because of the whole underwear thing previously mentioned.
For all other matters, I look forward to responding when I’m back in the office tomorrow.
Thank you and have a great day!
