WASHINGTON – Amid the country’s frenzied panic buying, stock market dive, and general hysteria related to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, the United States’ Chief Panic Officer took time Wednesday to revel in his department’s unprecedented success.
“This week has been better than our wildest dreams,” said Loren Yogurn, Chief Panic Officer and head of the U.S. Department of Mass Hysteria. “You’re always preparing for an event like this, and to see our team rise to the occasion, it’s the ultimate reward.”
The department, which operates with a modest $5 billion annual budget, is responsible for ensuring Americans are panicking at the government’s desired level at all times, engaging in standard panic initiatives such as yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theater, injecting bananas in groceries with cancer cells, and putting razor blades in Halloween candy.
“I’ve been determined, though, to increase our ability to incite mass panic since assuming this role,” Yogurn said. “From completely subsidizing InfoWars to a massive campaign to spread lies in Baby Boomer Facebook groups about Obama seeking to amend the Constitution to run for a third term, we’ve been able to exceed projections.”
While the department has experienced annual growth, it was missing its one big moment to shine – until now.
“I’m just glad to finally be able to do my part,” Yogurn said. “You read about things like the Spanish Flu, Pearl Harbor, 9/11, and think, ‘Where’s my crisis?’ Well, it’s here, and I’m appreciating every minute of it.”
“I’m just soaking it all in,” Yogurn concluded, before leaving to administer Alex Jones’ monthly dose of “special medications.”
