Dear Valued Customer,
After analyzing your recent account activity, our algorithms detected a sharp decrease in orders of XL Panormous® Pizzas and Cinnabon® Mini Rolls. We care about your health at Pizza Hut and assure you we are taking every precaution in light of COVID-19.
During a thirteen-minute Skype call with top stockholders, we brainstormed a list of actions to keep you safe:
- All delivery drivers will now be replaced by a squad of recently-conjured ghosts. According to our interpretation of the latest science, COVID-19 cannot be transmitted by ghosts.
- In addition to having at least five years of experience in the pizza industry, all hired ghosts will be licensed counselors (in both this realm and the beyond). A free therapy session will be offered with each delivery to help quell your virus-based fears.
- If you are afraid of both the virus and ghosts, please select the new “contactless delivery” option in our app.
- Human employees responsible for food preparation will adhere to enhanced cleanliness and hygiene protocols, such as wearing 280-pound NASA spacesuits in the kitchen, harnessing telekinesis to apply cheese, pepperoni, and other toppings, and enjoying daily hand sanitizer baths.
- The ghosts will provide two free therapy sessions to human employees. After the second session, a $5 per hour wage reduction will occur.
- Lastly, we’ll partner with Charmin to offer Ultra Comfort® Toilet Paper stuffed crust. Bring the security-inducing texture of Charmin to your eating experience with a caressing softness the whole family will love!
At Pizza Hut, we care about people. At Pizza Hut, we care about you. We know your options for safety and comfort in this saturated, late-capitalist world are endless but this is how we see it: While COVID-19 definitely won’t be the last pandemic, the below offer code for a piping-hot XL Panormous® Pizza will only last 72 hours.
Code: TOLIET-PAPER-RULES-BIDETS-SUCK
Yours in eternal pizza,
Pizza Hut’s Automated Emailer
