Many articles have been written to help Earthlings feel better about the current state of their world. However, no articles have been written to help extraterrestrials pretending to be Earthlings feel better about the current state of their world, and frankly, we are offended.
It can be easy to feel disconnected, isolated, or not like yourself during a global emergency on a planet so far from your own. So If you want to feel more “human” during the COVID-19 pandemic, here are eight easy tips:
1. Get Dressed Every Morning
Even if you don’t expect to be in public, remember to put on your human skin suit every morning. Humans are nosy creatures, so to avoid being potentially exposed, always remember to dress fully every morning (two arms, two legs, no exposed tendrils) no matter how uncomfortable it is for your cephalopod form.
2. Avoid the Media
Human media may help you understand their extremely limited emotional range, their sense of misplaced ego, and their propensity to believe false information, but there is a severe lack of truth and intelligence in the media. Do not be distracted.
3. Keep Things in Perspective
Humans have no concept of time longer than their limited lifespans and their simple brains cannot process the intricacies of space-time or dimension-jumping. It is also comforting to remind yourself Earth is insignificant compared to the billions of planets and creatures in the universe.
4. Remember, We’re in This Together
If you feel stuck here, remind yourself that at any given time there are forty-five different intergalactic species visiting Earth as well. Tragically, many of those life forms also cannot currently return to their home planets due to COVID-19 travel restrictions.
5. Stay Connected to Friends and Family
If you are currently imitating a human with a portable computer, use a basic 2D video service like Zoom to exchange pleasantries with your human cohorts for an occasional sense of familiarity and camaraderie. However, keep an eyestalk on your 2D video background to make sure your “Catalogued Creatures of Earth” display is not able to be seen. You will get questions about the frozen red panda you’re in the process of dissecting.
6. Keep Social Distance
Most humans will respect a six-foot distance unless you were placed in a location like Los Angeles, Chicago, or New York City, where you will be situated with less intelligent humans who fail to adhere to rules given by their authorities. Social distancing is also important in case your thorax juice begins to excrete from your human skin suit. You don’t want humans asking about the bright green liquid pooling at your “feet.”
7. Take Care of Yourself By Eating Well
With the absence of humans in public, many animals that have stayed away from cities are now roaming free. This means you can hunt and eat pigeons, deer, monkeys, elephants, or any other animals wandering into your research zone or “neighborhood.” These are not usually human food but can be a good opportunity to try forbidden delicacies. Do not eat humans. Not yet.
8. Continue to Enjoy Life
Fighting this pandemic may be out of your control, but remember, you’re here for a purpose. That purpose is to research and catalog human behaviors, earn the trust of high-ranking officials, infiltrate their basic forms of government, and eventually conquer Earth and harvest human bodies for fuel in the quest for domination of the Milky Way galaxy. But that mission is a marathon, not a sprint, and you still need to enjoy life’s everyday moments.
Remember, this is only temporary, and time flies when you’re using a 24-hour Earth clock. You got this!