Dear American People,
Local businesses and the American economy are going through a strenuous test during these new social distancing policies. Everyone is quick to remind the consumer to “shop local” so that small business owners can keep their doors open.
But beware: Shopping local is going to be detrimental to our economy and there are some very disturbing consequences people need to think about before practicing this evil ideology.
For example:
- Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski will have to dial back the budget for his wife’s upcoming 50th birthday and attach animatronic lions to chariots instead of real lions like he had been able to afford back in 2000.
- Larry Ellison, founder of Oracle Corporation, will have no choice but to reduce his ownership of Lanai, the private island he purchased for $300 million, down to a peasant’s 96%.
- Steve Cohen, a hedge fund manager, will have to sell his preserved $8 million 14-foot-long tiger shark for an embarrassingly tiny 12-foot tiger shark.
- Amazon founder Jeff Bezos will have no choice but to downgrade his caviar selection from Tsar Nicoulai Select to Olma Black Kaluga Royal aboard his $65 million Gulfstream G650ER.
- Samuel Robson “Rob” Walton – eldest son of Sam Walton – will be forced to only take his Ferrari 250 GTO out for a leisurely Sunday drive EVERY OTHER week.
- Tesla founder Elon Musk will make a massive sacrifice and reduce traveling on his private jet from 150,000 miles down to an embarrassing 130,000 miles.
- Apple CEO Tim Cook will experience a total loss of .53 seconds each time he types out the value of his Apple stock options once they dip from $622 million to $621.8 million.
So before you go out and support your local grocery store or family-owned electronics store, take a second and think. America’s top CEOs and company owners deserve a comfortable lifestyle as well and, honestly, have you ever had Olma Black Royal caviar? It’s absolute trash compared to Tsar Nicoulai. Totally not worth the $110 per ounce.
Cold regards,
Mitch McConnell