With the increase in self-quarantines, people around the world are spending more time communicating with friends and family through video services like Zoom. But with a lack of social events and the assumption of availability, the days of using simple excuses to get out of things are long gone, and we need new ways to cancel plans like we used to.
So here are twenty totally real, totally convincing excuses to get out of Zoom calls:
1. I have six other Zoom parties I have to attend tonight. Sorry, we made these plans pre-COVID.
2. I have to go wash my hands a few hundred more times. Like my peepaw used to say, “Scrub until they bleed, that’s how you know they’re clean!”
3. I don’t even know how to change my background, so what’s the point if people won’t know how cool and creative I am?
4. I have a dinner date with my houseplants. Can’t wait to see what Orchid, Bamboo, Cactus, Fig Tree and Succulent made tonight. Their knife skills are really improving!
5. I’m busy staring out my window and judging people walking around without masks on. Don’t you read the news?! Go inside, idiot! I know you can hear me yelling at you! DON’T IGNORE ME!
6. I already have FaceTime, Skype, Houseparty, Marco Polo, Google Hangouts, Slack, Teams, WebEx and Messenger on my phone, so I can’t download any more video communication apps. Apple’s rules, not mine.
7. I’ve decided to try to learn how to play that guitar I bought seven years ago in a burst of misplaced creative inspiration again. Fifth time’s the charm!
8. I have to go walk my pet turtle, Koopa. We walk until he poops. It might take a while.
9. I was kidnapped by terrorists. They keep saying, “Do it just like that movie First Daughter where they kidnap the president’s daughter,” which is weird because I’m not the president’s daughter, and I’m a guy.
10. I spilled a giant bowl of butterscotch pudding all over my kitchen floor. It’s a lot of pudding. And it’s EVERYWHERE. I even need to move the fridge.
11. I need to do three hours of Ashtanga yoga every day. I’ve recently become very spiritual after losing my grip on reality.
12. A skydiver landed on the roof of my building and I have to try and help him by poking him with a broom from six feet away.
13. I have to eat all my bananas before they go bad. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have panic-bought ten bushels when I live alone.
14. I am currently only using a Nextel flip phone and an abacus. If Jared Leto can do a tech detox, so can I. We’re in this together, Jared.
15. I’m watching Encino Man with Pauly Shore for the eighth time. Unlike a nice bottle of Zinfandel, it does NOT get better with age.
16. I’m reading a book and need to post a page out of it on my Insta story with a few lines underlined so people don’t think I’m only watching Encino Man on repeat.
17. I’m making sourdough bread and home-brewing beer even though I’m severely gluten-intolerant. But thanks to living in a studio apartment, it’s only eleven feet to the bathroom.
18. I’m watching reruns of sports games. Yes, all the sports games, and all the reruns.
19. I’m learning new skills, doing passion projects, and starting a successful side business. All at once. If you’re not, you’re clearly not taking advantage of this global pandemic.
20. I don’t have pants on. Shit. That one doesn’t work.
Whether you use one of these excuses or use them all, the important thing is getting out of something you don’t want to do.