EWING, N.J. – American manufacturers have stepped in to aid the overwhelmed healthcare system as the death toll from the novel coronavirus rises, and Trojan is no exception, as America’s No. 1 condom has repurposed its factories to churn out and donate 50,000 Ultra Ribbed Lubricated Body Bags to hospitals nationwide.
“During this pandemic, we are steadfast in ensuring all bodies receive maximum comfort and protection from infection,” Trojan spokesperson Wyatt Hartman said, adding that the company will deploy the Trojan Man to teach hospitals about unrolling the lubricated bags and sliding each body’s head inside the special reservoir tip.
“Offering deep ribs designed to increase comfort for bodies of all sizes and a silky-smooth lubricant for easily stacking in refrigerated trucks, Trojan is leading the way in supporting our coronavirus first responders,” Hartman said.
Trojan isn’t the only sexual health manufacturer assisting the relief effort. Adam and Eve is producing dildo respirators, ball gags that prevent first responders from inhaling the virus, and anal beads for patients to pray the rosary. Bang Bros has also generously agreed to repurpose its bang buses as temporary morgues.
“Every life is important,” Hartman said before reminding hospitals not to flush the filled body bag down the toilet but rather safely dispose of by wrapping it in tarp and dumping it into a mass grave.
With hospitals greatly understaffed, Hartman announced Trojan would immediately start manufacturing big-titted inflatable nurses with warming mouths to guarantee ICU patients receive round-the-clock medical care.
