Salutations to you, good sir or madam. Though you may not remember me, I assure you we have crossed paths before. While I do sincerely hope this finds you well, there is a rather serious matter I find I must broach with you.
You may ask yourself what I, a nineteenth-century gaslighter, could possibly find necessary to discuss with you. As it happens, your insistence of using “gaslighter” as a pejorative term has irreparably harmed the reputation of my noble craft and I am, as you would say, “not having it.”
I will hastily agree with you that those who would lie and manipulate are monstrous. I can assure you I have no tolerance for these gal-sneakers myself. What this has to do with the honorable position that was passed down to me by mine own father, though, is quite beyond the pale.
I will have you know that I spend every single dusk lighting the 108 lamps I am responsible for, and every single dawn extinguishing them. I would implore you to explain to me what this has to do with a man who would lie about something that had just occurred in plain view of all parties. After all, it is not as if I have intentionally left lamps near the home of particular individuals unlit due to my own personal inclinations. Anyone who would claim such a thing is passing poppycock!
Did you know that we gaslighters would also act as watchmen from time to time, helping to patrol the streets and alert authorities to any unseemly acts? That seems a far cry from one who would convince the supposed object of their affection of a deficiency that does not exist. Yet now my noble profession is forever tarnished by your association of these scoundrels with the fine title passed down to us from our forefathers. Surely you see the injustice of this slander, inadvertent as it might be.
And if you have heard that I myself have stalked anyone down the streets, you are certainly mistaken and should not fabricate such tales.
There are no similarities that I can discern between those of us who toil to provide the streets with illumination and those who seek to shade us from the light of truth. I suppose one could find a parallel between the danger I face should a lamp explode due to a buildup in gas and the way one’s lies could eventually blow up in their face after one too many falsehoods, but it is a flimsy reason to forever besmirch our reputation. Especially since I have always been an honest gentleman and you must provide me the names of whomever has spread rumors to the contrary so I may remind them.
If you insist on using a professional title as a shorthand for the nefarious actors, perhaps a different one can be used. Why not call them borlers? This is a much better fit, as these wandering salesmen do use cunning and even lies to ingratiate themselves into one’s home in order to enrich themselves. This seems a far better fit to my ears. They are not as well-liked and, as you would say, “suck.”
Thank you for your time and I do hope you consider my plea. If you would excuse me, I shall relight the lamps outside your home, which were in fact always lit. You likely accidentally put them out yourself and are simply misremembering.
