For diagnostic purposes only. Your score may have important consequences for your future.
Please rate each item on the following scale:
No = 0
Yes = 1
Hell yes = 10
Are you a pathological liar?
1) When asked earlier this morning if you’d brushed your teeth, did you say “Yes” despite the blackcurrant jam coating your right cheek and eyelid?
2) Do you claim to raise quality of life?
3) Is truth irrelevant?
Do you have a grandiose sense of self-worth?
4) Are your preferred pronouns we/us?
5) Do you demand that people or cultures adapt to service you?
6) Did you, carefully and with evident glee, rip a cherished third edition of Ficciones, as if your fleeting amusement was worth the destruction of infinite memories and circular labyrinths, when the unread Steinbeck centennial boxed set was within easy reach?
Do you have a parasitic lifestyle?
7) Has your college savings plan – to which you’ve contributed $0 – created significant financial and marital stress for your hosts?
8) Do you forbid unaccompanied bathroom breaks?
9) Have you turned healthy beings into drones devoid of desire, dreams and personal hygiene products?
Do you have an excess need for stimulation or proneness to boredom?
10) Are you capable of bringing swift and utter destruction to large regions of space on a whim?
11) Is it futile to resist you?
12) Did you awake at 4:55 a.m. every morning the week after Christmas demanding that the Thomas & Friends Super Station be taken apart and reassembled in a new and mechanically infeasible configuration?
13) Are you now indifferent toward the selfsame Super Station, which cost $150 and a Christmas Eve scuffle in the parking lot of the Target on Route 1?
Results
Warning! You are a psychopath. Use your score to identify yourself:
- 9 or less: You are just a so-so psychopath. Stop thinking you’re God.
- 80: You are the Borg. Assimilate a toddler to improve your score.
- 80: Or you are God. The overbearing original, not a Spinozan sissy.
- 130: You are Tommy Stinchcomb (3). Wash that jam off your face.
