Hey there, sports bettors! We know that in these times without sports, it’s hard to find ways to mismanage your daughter’s 529 plan. But here in the Las Vegas betting houses, we’ve realized there’s still a whole bunch of crazy shit going on in the world, and that those outcomes might be of some interest to you.
So with no further ado, here are this week’s odds for sports betting, on culture.
1-95 Trump tells an egregious lie, on camera.
1-96 Trump tells an egregious lie, on camera, that could get Americans killed.
1-1 Trump tells an egregious lie, on camera, and immediately has a Twitter tantrum for the media reporting the lie he just told.
1-4 Kayleigh McEnany does a word salad while “answering” a question from the press.
1-7 Amy Cooper gets a job by next week, with a different, even less credible finance firm, with a higher-paying salary.
1-5 Amy Cooper becomes a Fox News contributor.
6-1 The cop who murdered George Floyd sees any criminal ramifications at all for killing a man, on camera, in broad daylight.
43-1 The cop who murdered George Floyd does jail time, at all, even a single day.
856-1 The white cop who kneeled on innocent-until-proven-guilty African American man George Floyd’s neck, while listening to him gasp for air, until he was dead, actually gets charged and convicted of the murder he committed on camera, in broad daylight, with multiple eyewitnesses.
2-1 Someone on your Zoom call, not wearing pants, will accidentally stand up and show the entire team their coffee-stained underwear.
1-1 Trump retweets an account of a white supremacist praising him.
1-1 Trump retweets an account of what he thinks is a white supremacist praising him, but is actually a parody account, of someone making fun of his blatant white supremacy.
2-1 You know someone, personally, who will contract COVID-19.
3-1 You know someone, personally, who will get hospitalized from COVID-19.
4-1 You know someone, personally, who will die from COVID-19.
11,234-1 Trump will apologize and accept one iota of responsibility for the person you know, or any of the more than 100,000 people, who’ve died from COVID-19.
1-29 Your husband forgot to get the chicken stock you needed to make soup.
3-1 Mark Zuckerberg turns out to actually just be a robot in a skinsuit.
10,480-1 Mark Zuckerberg eventually does the right thing, and starts fact-checking PAC-funded ads and removing provably false content that’s solely for the spread of disinformation.
1-10,480 Mark Zuckerberg has ever once, a single solitary time, satisfied his wife to completion.
Well, there ya have it, folks! Place your bets now, and let’s see what keeps on happening in these wild, crazy, challenging times! Good luck.
And don’t forget to tip your delivery drivers, who are risking their lives so you can have buffalo wings!
