Hello, 911?!?!
Hi, yes, oh my God. This is terrible. My grandpa just fell over. He’s an 85-year-old white male. I’m worried he might be Antifa!
Yes, he appears to be in pain.
Sure, it could be a real injury! But, I’ve heard that Antifas use crazy tricks like falling over and splitting their head open on the sidewalk to trick people into thinking they are actually injured, but really they are just trying to incite violence against the police.
Well, yes, he does very much appear to be in very real, very intense pain.
I know, but this could be part of the trick! Those Antifas are sneaky! Snakes in the grass!
No, we’re not at a protest. We’re at home. He’s on the living room floor, next to the recliner where he does his crossword puzzles.
But what if the crossword puzzles are actually encrypted messages from his other Antifa friends?
Well, no, most of his friends are his age. They play bridge every other Tuesday at the Rotary Club.
Yeah, but he keeps repeating the same thing. Over and over and over. Like it’s some kind of Antifa rallying cry!
Huh? Ohhh, the thing he’s yelling over and over?
He keeps saying “Ouuucchh! Someone help me! I think I’ve broken my hip!” He’s been screaming it for, like, fifteen minutes straight. I’m really scared! This is very unusual behavior.
No, he’s never been politically active. I mean, he did fight on the European front in World War II. So he definitely hates Nazis. He lost a lot of buddies there, actually. Rarely tells those stories, though. I think even today they are just too real in his mind and he’s spent decades repressing them and just trying to live as normal a life as he could. Sure, he’s told me a few stories, leaving out details here and there, things that even he didn’t want to bring back to the surface. He didn’t glorify anything the way movies do. I feel like Hollywood has played a large role in the American military complex. It’s kind of crazy when you-
Oh, yes, he’s still lying there on the floor, writhing in pain.
No, now he’s yelling something different. He just said “Sweet fucking Jesus, just call a goddamn ambulance!” I’ve never heard him take the Lord’s name in vain like that. This feels Antifa-esque, right? I mean, those Antifas, they certainly don’t harbor good, Christian values. I’m very worried.
Hmm. Obviously it could be a fractured pelvic bone. But that’s exactly what an Antifa would want me to think so I’d get distracted and he could go do a bunch of Antifa terrorism!
Oh, gosh, and even that can have enough force to sever the femoral artery!?
And can lead to internal bleeding?!? Holy moly! These Antifas are committed.
No, no, no no, you’re right. It’s probably just a broken hip. Send an ambulance, please.
But just to be safe, maybe send a few cops in riot gear, too.
