It’s been months in lockdown and every night you tell yourself you will focus on sexy YouTube dance workout videos and drink more matcha you brewed yourself, but instead, you sit on the couch until you pass out, soaking in the delicious rage from hate-scrolling through the Facebook posts of your ten least favorite people.
1. The Lockdown Masterchef
Your ex-coworker used to heat up a can of Campbell’s Chunky for lunch every day when you both worked at Kohl’s, but after a few weeks in lockdown, she’s somehow become a Michelin star chef. Last night, she made something called coq au vin, which you rage-Googled while eating a sad, soggy sandwich that you spent $14 on from Grubhub.
2. The Snake Oil #GirlBoss
You can’t tear yourself away from your fourth grade soccer buddy’s freakishly white chompers, unconscionable overuse of emojis, and increasingly outlandish claims about her pyramid scheme. Apparently, Dr. Fauci doesn’t want you to know that the powder drink mix she sells can cure anything, even something that rhymes with Blovid Shmineteen, wink wink.
3. The Wannabe Mommy Blogger
You swear your conservative Christian cousin somehow popped out three more kids during quarantine. She recently spent an entire day crafting a blanket fort in her living room for Jaydenn, Haydenn, Braeydenn, Krammdenn, and Idaho that is more spacious than your apartment. She just knows the Lord will protect her from this silly bug going around! She. Is So. #Blessed. You hope little Braeydenn grows up to be a Democratic Socialist.
4. The Smug-Ass Soulmates
Your friend from improv class and her husband nauseatingly share a profile. Even though people are perishing around them, they are thankful to have time for #couplescocktail bonding. In this difficult time, they feel the most sorry for people who are single right now. Most recently, you hate-read about the three-hour shiatsu massage they gave each other while you sat on the couch and listened to your boyfriend get into a heated argument with a ten-year-old while playing Fortnite.
5. The Pinterest Pothead
Your kinda-crush from high school is suddenly a stoner DIY all-star. He’s making and selling weed candles, weed cakes, and weed bath salts, and most recently took up glassblowing so he can make his own bongs in his garage. You are unclear how he is still holding down his job as an equities trader and why he makes so much more money than you do.
6. The Deep Statesman
You met him in college one night when you were just tipsy enough to think making out with a libertarian could be fun, and you’ve slowly tracked his descent into fringe theories over the years. You used to describe him as “quirky,” but now that he’s posting that Bill Gates is creating a “Chinese virus” vaccine full of nanobots programmed to track his PornHub history, you really regret letting this guy get to second base.
7. The Poor Man’s Joan Didion
You took a writing class with her three years ago and now she can’t stop posting about how quarantine is the #writingretreat of her dreams. She’s constantly posting selfies of her staring at the blank page with intense captions like, “a writer is born” and “the blank page is a writer’s biggest fear, yet biggest gift from the Gods.” She says she’s publishing a “chapbook,” whatever that is. You hope the contents of this book are as ironically cringeworthy as her last seven poems about how the bare toilet paper shelves at Safeway are a mirror for the bare emptiness of her humanity.
8. The #SuddenlyZen-But-in-a-Hot-Way Chick
Your Blake Lively lookalike second cousin discovered meditation and live streaming at the same time. Most of her videos entail her sitting in an outdoor space in a skimpy sports bra, letting people know they don’t need “pills” for their mental health issues, they just need to… be happier. She takes lots of pics of blowing out lavender candles, and rubbing her hair in daisies. Three times now, you’ve walked in on your boyfriend watching her videos.
9. The Oppressed White Dude
Your boyfriend’s middle school bro had to wear a mask in order to buy his can of Ultra Blue flavor Monster at the 7-11 and hasn’t stopped posting about it for weeks. He will never stop fighting until he has the right to sneeze on the elderly whenever he wants, just like George Muthafuckin Washington intended. You suspect that ever since Trump promoted drinking household cleaners to fight the pandemic, he’s started dosing his energy drinks with bleach.
10. Quarantine Thirst Trap Who Very Clearly Has COVID
Your ex boyfriend’s drug dealer BFF took a Facebook Live video of him swimming, but dry coughed through his underwater cover of “Wonderwall.” He wants you to know “he’s so over his ex-girlfriend who’s a total BITCH and tried to light his apartment on fire.” In all of his shirtless photos, he’s glistening with clammy fever sweat and there are used tissues on the floor. He is looking for someone to quarantine and chill with him but he really needs to quarantine alone since he clearly is ill. Ignore it when he slides into your DMs and instead mail him some cough drops.