With the news full of images and videos from protests across the country, I can’t help but wonder what my place in all this is. I know it’s important to make my voice heard, and I definitely think that Nazis had the wrong idea… but am I Antifa?
I’ve never been part of an organization like this before and I don’t want to get canceled for being too extreme. Or not extreme enough. Or not picking a side. Or any other eggshell I might have stepped on.
I mean, I’ve got a black bandana, which definitely seems to be a key part of it, but I’m also not gonna give up eating steak any time soon. It seems like antifa would be vegans, right? I really just don’t know what to do. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve stopped checking my mail for fear of discovering a paycheck from George Soros.
And what’s with these Antifa supersoldiers I keep hearing so much about? Was I secretly dosed with some Antifa supersoldier serum? Is that what kombucha is? Am I cursed with superpowers designed to help me dismantle society and I don’t even know it? To be honest, I have been feeling stronger lately, and I’ve been able to see my veins when lifting weights. That has to mean something.
I think the only surefire way to really know is to be called Antifa by the president, but he seems to be replying to everyone BUT me on Twitter. So that’s sort of a dead end for now. The other guys on the private message board I run claim to have gotten their Antifa debit cards already but I can’t tell if they’re just making fun of me or not. Those guys can be assholes and I’m not afraid to SWAT them if necessary.
It’s possible I may never know whether or not I’m Antifa. In the end, it may be best to not dwell on it, and just focus on organizing my stockpile of Molotov cocktails by the authoritarian dictators they are reserved for.
