WASHINGTON – In its annual report to Congress, the Pentagon today informed members of the Armed Services committee that the United States military response to a nuclear strike was currently at “something like three hours, or however long a game of golf takes.”
They went on to warn that if the president were to attempt to tackle a truly challenging course like Oakmont or Bull Valley, casualties may reach as high as 75% of the U.S. population. The possibility of a particularly tricky sandtrap was also seen as highly concerning.
Additionally, military analysts were undergoing “catastrophic event” simulations, should the president ever be caught kicking his ball onto the fairway for a better shot or be stranded on the tenth hole after a golf cart malfunction. Asked about the nation’s disaster preparedness, the president replied, “Beautiful day out here, right? Believe me, you couldn’t ask for a better one. Well, maybe a couple less clouds. No nuclear clouds either, we’re gonna take care of that. We’ll shoot ’em out of the sky, and – well, you know, maybe there’s some areas that need them, though, you know? A few states we could do without, if you know what I mean. But yeah, it’s a great day. Anyway, I’ll take ketchup on that dog, okay?”
At press time, the nation had been raised to DEFCON 4, something White House officials laughingly said was “par for the course.”
