1. I am the Lord thy God! Thou shalt worship no God other before me, not even the Real Housewives ladies or your own reflection in the mirror.
2. Thou shalt feel a sense of entitlement in, like, literally every single situation you can imagine.
3. Thou shalt always play the victim, despite being the aggressor.
4. Thou shalt always “demand to speak with the manager!”
5. Thou shalt always cross thine arms and cock thy head when playing the victim. Also, thy could tap thy foot or wag thy finger. Those worketh, too.
6. Thou shalt not kill, but thou shalt call the cops on a completely innocent Black person for no reason, and then like, maybe the cops will do the killing, instead?
7. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath Day, specifically that you have a standing pedicure appointment.
8. Thou shalt repeatedly take misguided, principled stands, no matter how hypocritical, rude, selfish, foolish, or racist it makes you look. And in the face of logical rebuttal, thou shalt double down on your nonsensical position, like a cornered rat, but with an awesome fresh pedicure.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighb-no, I’m kidding! That’s precisely what you shalt do. Bearing false witness against thy neighbor literally shalt be your thing.
10. Thou shalt have an Eleventh Commandment, because thou believest the rules don’t apply to thou.
11. Thou shalt always be slightly worse than Becky.
