TEXARKANA, Texas – Heating a pot of coffee and skillet of beans over an open fire in the golden light of morning, Texas man Pete “Ten-Gallon” Lawson wondered if researchers had tested the effects of wearing a “big ol’ Stetson” on viral spread as the novel coronavirus continues to stretch from “hill to holler.”
“I ain’t no scientist, but I reckon a ridge top or even a pinched front [hat style] might help stop some of those germs lopin’ along devil-may-care,” Lawson said. “They sure as hell kept a mite a rain off my hide out in the high lonesome.”
Pointing to his battered cattleman, Lawson added, “I’ve had this ol’ boy in many-a storm and gale and the rain slicks right off. You’re tellin’ me some virus can hold on when water from the heavens can’t?”
Beginning to tack his horse, Lawson motioned to a length of rope near his saddle pommel and said, “I ain’t sussed this one out just yet, but could you lasso the little varmints? Just hogtie the fellers and let ’em squirm like worms on a hook? Can’t see no harm in tryin’.”
As he saddled up and started to ride off, Lawson turned back to say that he was working on a proposal to see if his giant belt buckle might prevent the spread of chlamydia, but that it still needed “further fiddlin’.”
