Do you have just too much money and you don’t know what to do with it? Me too! Here are some online stores trying to sell you some shit you don’t need.
Swill
You’ve probably heard of our sister site, Goop. A $70 jade egg for your vagina? Vitamins that are definitely not FDA approved? A skincare line that will give you hives in all the wrong places? That’s Goop! At Swill, we sell the exact same fucking products, just with different labels. Crystals are now “healing energy talismans,” protein powder is called “inner beauty serum,” and lotion can be found under “all-day face masks.”
Opulent
Even you can’t afford to shop here! Our website is so exclusive, acceptance of your request for membership requires a blood sacrifice, because we only cater to the ultra-rich and famous. Whether you need kitten heels, ketamine, or a kidney, we will hand-deliver it to you, so long as you don’t live west of Madison Avenue.
Ho(e), Ho(e), Ho(e)
Want to get some early Christmas shopping done? Shop our selection of adult holiday decor, gifts and accessories. Celebrate the holidays by taking something meant for children and making it pornographic!
Kiss From a Rosé
It’s 1 p.m. in August and you know what that means! Buy our wine so you can drink your weight in sugar that manages to pass as wine somehow and makes us ladies feel safe in our femininity.
Does It Matter?
You’ll never open any of these packages anyway. They will sit in the hallway untouched for eight months before your husband loses his shit and leaves you. But yay, more stuff!
Persephone
Do you love the outdoors but hate dirt and bugs and direct sunlight? We sell products that make you feel at one with the Earth without actually making you go outside. Check out our stylish hiking clothes that you can wear to brunch, to run errands, or to just lie on the couch.
Handcrafted in BK
Everything here was made in a sweatshop posing as a factory in a country you’ve never heard of and will feign interest when told the name. We should be ashamed of ourselves for passing off products made all the way on the other side of the world as locally-sourced goods originating in Brooklyn. But if the name makes your affluent, faux-progressive sensibility more comfortable in your purchase, then fuck it!
