Dear Valued Lifetime Alumni Association Member,
We just want to take a moment and thank you again for your monetary support by way of your Lifetime Alumni Membership. We would never take for granted that monetary gift, which is why we’ve sent you daily mailers, called your cell number every hour for a month, and spammed your parents’ home phone incessantly to let you know about this new exclusive invitation. For a mere $600, you can upgrade your pitiful Lifetime Alumni Membership to a Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe Membership.
That’s right, while new members would have to pay a whopping $1,300 fee to go Double Diamond, your previously purchased $800 lifetime membership qualifies you for a mere $600 upgrade. Wow, that’s a screaming deal! However, you’ll need to act fast. The chance to upgrade to Super Double Diamond Deluxe is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that is available to you at any time.
So what does a Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe Membership get you? A brand new poly-laminate alumni card free of nearly any typos. Plus, your very own plastic Captain Crunch whistle that we found next to the highway. You can rest assured that these will be shipped to you in discrete packaging that will not lead anyone to assume you’re ordering sex toys in bulk.
But will a Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe Membership really change your life forever? Yes.
The Alumni Association needs your support now more than ever. With an ever-increasing number of alumni, we constantly need to sell alumni memberships in order to continue selling alumni memberships. And don’t forget, a Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe upgrade is tax-deductible (it may not be tax-deductible) and goes toward helping students (it may not help students).
There are several easy ways for you to gives us your money. Send us cash, check, or spare credit cards to “Alumni House” 1515 College Way. Visit our web portal at alumni.college.edu/WeLoveMoney. Click anywhere on this page to begin a PayPal transaction. Call the Alumni House at 1-800-Dollars and give us the account and routing number of your primary checking account. Go outside and give a slow nod to one of our representatives waiting outside your home or whisper at any time, “I would like to upgrade to a Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe Membership.”
Please keep in mind that the school is currently considering a new subscription-based model for all alumni. If we do decide to move forward in this direction, all current programs will be suspended. You will be welcome to keep your alumni card and/or diploma, but they have reached their product end-of-life and will no longer be supported by the administration.
We look forward to welcoming you as a Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe Member and hearing the triumphant call of your new plastic whistle.
Sincerely,
Donald “Paying Tuition Wasn’t Enough” Lipton
Senior Director,
RevenueCollege Alumni Association