I make a decent living as an epidemiologist, but this year has been especially good to me. As many of you have probably learned from your uncle’s Facebook posts, I’m receiving a generous bonus courtesy of a clandestine international cabal, all in exchange for my role in the conspiracy that is the coronavirus.
Here’s how I’ve been spending that money.
First of all, I’ve had a lot of expenses to cover. Everyone thinks about all the money I must be making but no one considers the expenses. The thing about being a stooge for global conspiracists is that it’s a freelance job. I need to pay all my expenses out of pocket.
I’ve got a crew of doctors, nurses, and other front-line healthcare workers that are all getting a cut of my take. They say everyone has a price. People who have selflessly dedicated their life’s work to helping others have a really high price. Getting doctors to swap their Hippocratic Oath for a Mephistophelean Oath – that’s been my single biggest cost.
And then there are the crisis actors. Every friend, neighbor or family member you know who’s contracted coronavirus, that’s a crisis actor! With the latest surges, I’ve got thousands of crisis actors on payroll. The Hollywood elites are in on the conspiracy, but they’re too recognizable. Fortunately, with studios being shut down, there are a lot of bit players willing to work for scale.
Everyone knows that the liberal media is in the pocket of the global conspiracy. But people assume that CNN and MSNBC spread lies out of their own malevolence. I wish it was so easy. The truth is, fake news costs money. I’ve had to personally pay journalists to plant stories and give me airtime as an “expert in the field of epidemiology.” And it’s incredibly expensive when you’re competing against other conspiracy groups like the people behind Pizzagate or the Wayfair child trafficking ring.
One of the things I didn’t anticipate was the cost of supplies. I expected to cover the cost of fake testing, but I didn’t anticipate how much the nose microchips would set me back. I’m told the second generation microchips will be even more expensive because they need to be small enough to administer via the bogus vaccines, so I’m setting aside more for that.
When all the major expenses are paid and my taxes are remitted I’ll have something in the mid-five figures left for myself. It’s not a lot, I know. But for me, it’s not just about the money. I really believe in the goals of this clandestine organization hellbent on controlling the world’s population. That’s why I chose my field.
I’ll probably pay down some of my student debt and take my family on a little vacation. My kids have been great about playing along with this and I promised them I’d take them to Disney World. Now that we’ve successfully lowered the crowd size with fears of a fake virus, we’ll be able to enjoy a Disney vacation without the stress of trying to book a Fast Pass for Frozen Ever After.
Finally, I’m going to invest anything I have left for my retirement. One of the old-timer NASA conspirators who faked the moon landing once told me, “Don’t spend like there’ll be another conspiracy just around the corner. Make it last.” I’ve enjoyed this fake pandemic, but the next one could be years away. I’m going to need to put money away now if I want to retire by 65.
