WASHINGTON – As civil unrest grows ahead of the presidential election, amid a startling rise in COVID-19 cases around the country, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley imposed martial law Tuesday in front of a surfing Zoom background.
“I do not take this decision lightly,” Milley said, his expression grave as a surfer dude appeared to shred a particularly gnarly wave behind him. “But the time has come to use the unmatched force of the American military to bring peace to our streets.”
Forced to self-quarantine due to a COVID-19 scare at the Pentagon, the Joint Chiefs of Staff have been conducting business through remote Zoom calls. And as the country further descends into chaos, martial law was finally put on the table.
Milley, whose granddaughter Kacie installed the surfing background and could be seen running across the camera during the call with other high-ranking officials, said it was “important to maintain order in the country through any means necessary” and admitted “bloodshed would be an unfortunate inevitability” as Kacie switched the Zoom background to another surfer throwing a crisp Hawaiian shaka.
The move to instill martial law was met with some opposition among the participants.
“I cannot with good conscience support a decision this dangerous,” General David H. Berger of the Marine Corps said. “Why are we even – now would you look at that, this background makes it look I’m in space. Do you guys see it? I’m floating away!”
General Milley then ended the call, as those with knowledge of the situation reported hearing final estimates of “millions of casualties,” though admittedly found it hard to hear over someone’s barking dog.
