As Halloween quickly approaches, there has been a lot of focus on how people can celebrate the holiday safely.
Experts are recommending drastic changes to regular trick-or-treating traditions. Some are suggesting to stay home altogether. Personally, my mom says, “If the cheap-ass Miller family next door isn’t giving out king-size candy bars, why even bother?” Calm down, mom!
In the latest string of Halloween-related news, the CDC announced that COVID-19 safety guidelines also apply to stereotypical slasher killers, specifically those who rely on close-weapon combat (hockey sticks, knives, axes, etc.) to gruesomely murder their victims.
“These are unprecedented times and that means we have to enforce rules in a way we haven’t done previously,” said CDC director Robert R. Redfield.
“In years prior, it was certainly feasible that someone like Jason could kill only the individuals he was after. But with the spread of COVID-19, these slasher killers could unknowingly infect and kill innocent characters who don’t even have anything to do with the storyline,” Redfield continued. “Does the creepy bystander in the gas station really deserve that? This Halloween, we’re recommending slasher killers proceed with extreme caution. We’re not saying they can’t have fun or seek deadly revenge. We’re just saying they should do so cautiously. Wear gloves when you cut the power, use hand sanitizer after calling someone’s house phone, try a gun instead of a machete – if you’re killing someone indoors, make sure the windows are open or there is some kind of ventilation.”
President Trump also weighed in on the announcement, saying, “When I’m re-elected, slasher killers can murder however they want, whenever they want. These mayors – who are all on the radical left by the way, and their cities are failing – they don’t want people like Jason or Freddy to have a good time. Why can’t they have a good time? I say let them have a good time.”
To date, several slashers have contracted COVID-19, including infamous Haddonfield butcher Michael Myers, who was on a ventilator but mysteriously vanished from the hospital, leaving a trail of carnage in his path.
