To get ahead of the large amount of mail-in ballots for the 2020 election, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has directions to the ONE drop-off ballot box in your county.
1. Head down Highway I-45 until you spot the ponderosa pine tree with a blue Cadbury egg painted on the trunk. Exit right.
2. Drive until the asphalt highway turns into a dusty road. Make three lefts and a “Q” turn onto Ballot Box Lane.
3. Halfway down there is a toll booth. Must pay the $4.99 toll to move forward. Toll only accepts pennies and exact change (pennies minted in 1984 are worth two pennies). Texas Supreme Court has ruled the toll booth as legal, stating, “It’s not a poll tax, it’s a toll tax.”
4. Head west into the Wasteland. Try to hide from the roaming local gangs of raiders scavenging for Red Bull and Fireball. If spotted, be ready with your offering of three roasted pheasants or a signed copy of Ted Cruz’s A Time For Truth.
5. To offer sufficient ballot box security, ex-stuntman and congressman Rockin’ Rex Ripley will be waiting at the end of the road to verify your voting registration, urine sample, and full-body nude pat down. Drop-Off will only be available between 1:15 p.m. – 1:55 p.m. Monday through Tuesday when Rex can work.
6. Once you have been patted down by Rex, there will be two boxes for your ballot. The red box is for GOP votes and the blue box is for Democrat votes.*
*Did not have funding for blue ballot box.
Directions are also located on Mapquest.com and must be printed on card stock. Total estimated travel time: 2-6 hours.
Thank you for voting for Donald J. Trump and Texas!
