Look, I’m not a super political guy. For the most part, I get my politics from my parents, who both seem pretty middle-of-the-road. I’d rather talk about cheat codes for Call of Duty than the national benefits of Medicare for All.
I haven’t been paying a ton of attention this election cycle because during quarantine, I’ve spent almost ninety percent of my time watching Barstool Sports pizza reviews.
The other ten percent has been seeing if I could find any of my Bumble matches on OnlyFans (spoiler alert: nope).
But to be honest, up until now, I was pretty heavily leaning towards Biden. For a few reasons: As far as I can tell, he takes the virus seriously, hasn’t turned the simple science of masks into a culture war, believes in science in general, and doesn’t leave his supporters freezing in an airfield after rallies.
I was also a pretty big fan of Biden because he’s a devout Catholic who attends church every Sunday. No, I’m not religious, but as a football fan, Sundays are sacred to me.
And that’s why, when Jay Cutler endorsed Donald Trump, I had no choice but to go full in on the Trump train. No I don’t support any of Trump’s policies, of which he seems to have almost none. And I hate the idea of kids in cages, and I know something like twelve of his closest advisors are all either in prison or have been arrested. But when your favorite quarterback of all time endorses a president, you listen and listen good.
And sure, Jay Cutler has one of the most mediocre arms in the history of the NFL. And with his total lack of charisma, near-permanent scowl, and ability to make the worst mistake at the worst possible time, why am I taking his word as gospel now?
Well, in his seven years with the Chicago Bears, Jay Cutler was 2-11 versus the Packers. And in those thirteen games, he threw a whopping 23 interceptions to us! TWENTY-THREE. As a die-hard Green Bay Packers fan, how could I not love the guy?
If Jay says to vote for Trump, I’m voting for Trump. If only to return the many, many, many gifts he gave me.
