1. Hey, me here – I’m lying! You should be worried. This is the second time you bailed on getting dinner in a month and I’m already low in terms of my social circle. You thought I was joking when I said I was considering downloading Bumble BFF. But here I go, walking the plank. Hope you’re happy, slut!
2. I didn’t pay $500 in fucking sorority dues for four years for you to ghost me on a trip to Chipotle I had to plan two full weeks in advance. You whispered to me in a dark, hot room over candlelight at my initiation that our sisterhood was forever. I didn’t realize eternity had an expiration date. Good to know, though!
3. Oh you have a migraine? Well some people have REAL illnesses. Call me when it’s a heart attack.
4. Honestly, I’m considering texting your ex from sophomore year and telling him about what you did on spring break ‘16 with Matt from Lambda Pi. Just to even the playing field in terms of hurt here. It’s only fair.
5. Do you know a good place that does tattoo removal around here? I figure it’s time to wipe that tramp stamp off my lower back – you know, the one we got together when we were shitfaced to represent our forever friendship? Would love to support local if you know anyone!
6. I know you canceling is about the fact that Jack Harris asked me to formal freshman year over you even though you guys had a dance floor makeout that time and you thought it meant something to him. You said you were crying at the sisterhood slideshow, but we all know it’s because you watched him touch my boobs on the dance floor and you were jealous. Can’t let that go, can you? He bummed free beers off people leaving them in the bathroom and then pissed himself on the bus ride home; he’s definitely not a catch. I didn’t realize you were immature enough to still be hung up on this asswipe all those years later!
7. Be honest, are you blowing me off to go do lines of coke with your roommate’s brother’s friend again? You said you wouldn’t do that anymore. Especially after that girl in our sorority went into a coma from some laced stuff. Wouldn’t you rather shit yourself from Chipotle with me than shit yourself from hard drugs with a bunch of creepy guys you don’t know?
8. I lied last month – you do look chubby in those leggings. I just, in this moment, decided that honesty was the best policy. How does it taste, bitch?!
