Apathetic Deli-Sliced Ham: Good news! You got a main meat dish. Bad news? It’s Christmas Eve and the grocery stores are out of everything. Go ahead and grab that deli meat, throw it in the oven for ten minutes, and cut into it like a turkey!
Crushed Dreams Potatoes: These are a fun take on mashed potatoes that capture the upheaval and depression from the never-ending pandemic. Swap out cream for your jar of tears. Mash until combined.
Sentimental Sweet Potato Casserole: The dish your mom always made. Present it ten minutes into the call when your dad inevitably reminds you that your brother came over for Christmas and “everything is fine!” The presentation and sentimental moment will remind them that you have the right to not risk your life during a global pandemic. Sweeten this dish with extra marshmallows.
Wallow Wine: If you think you’ve bought enough, you haven’t.
Apolitical Apple Pie: Make this in the hopes that it will stop all QAnon conspiracies and screaming matches over Zoom. Bake with Red Delicious and Granny Smith to show your conservative parents you are thinking of them.
Regression Mac and Cheese: Why make a baked mac and cheese when you can have the processed goodness of Kraft mac and cheese? The only person you have to impress is yourself. Besides, breadcrumbs on mac and cheese are stupid. Indulge yourself in childhood nostalgia and comfort. You deserve it!
Whatever Is Left Over in Your Fridge Salad: It screams “I’ve ordered takeout for the last two weeks and I have an empty fridge,” but it tastes like success. You know that granola bar that has been in your hiking backpack for three months? Crumble it on top to add texture.
“Everything’s a Cocktail!” Gravy: Yes, technically this is the easiest thing to make, but honestly, who has the time, let alone the energy? Just grab a bottle of Bailey’s and pour it into a glass. Liquid dinner!
Diversion Dinner Rolls: Delicious, simple, and probably out of a Pillsbury can. Stuff them into your mouth when your parents inevitably circle around to wondering when you’re going to marry your live-in partner. What? Sorry mom! I can’t respond, I seemed to have stuffed an entire rack of dinner rolls in my mouth!
“I Thought This Was Going to End Three Hours Ago” Tequila Shot: Gotta keep going somehow.
Basic Baguette: Honestly, all of this food-making is a lot of work and most of it requires leaving the house to go to the grocery store and since you are waiting until the last minute to throw this together, just make it easy and bring a grocery store baguette and tell your parents you are practicing zero-waste eating. Slowly eat the entire baguette until it refills your soul.
Additional Wallow Wine: Seriously, you’re going to need it.
