STARZ LIGHT: Less expensive version of STARZ
STARZ BRIGHT: Same STARZ content, but the luminance is way too high
FIRST STARZ I SEE TONIGHT: Their most expensive subscription grants you one wish
VUDU CHILD: Vudu for kids
VUDU DOLL: Only available in Haiti
AMC+TNT: Old movies go BOOM!
PBS+PBR: For fans of free television and cheap beer
BRAVO + ENCORE + AUTHOR! AUTHOR!: Nothing but artsy-fartsy, narrative-driven drama with no recognizable names in the cast… not even Jeff Daniels
A&E & IOU & Sometimes Y: Same borrowed content A&E always shows, but now with closed captioning of just the vowels
CBS EXCLUSIVE ACCESS: For those offended by mingling with “all the commoners” in CBS All Access
PEACOCK & BALLS: Matt Lauer and other television personalities try to explain away their sexual assaults and harassment while NBC makes money off of their complicity in the tragedy
AMAZON SLIME: Old Nickelodeon content that begs the question, “Wait, are we paying for this or is it included?”
DISELBOW+: Disney sells us animated movies about elbows… because Disney
NFLN DEGENERES: America’s bloodsport with a smiling face
HULU LEMON: Really expensive streaming with shows about really expensive fruit
CINEMAXXX: We’re just porn now
NETFLIX ULTRA: This gives you an excuse to finally change your password
SHOWTIME MAX ULTRA: If HBO and NETFLIX can do it, so can we
