Listen, Washington Generals, I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I think you need me. Despite the fact that you play the same team every single game, over the course of sixty-nine years, your record is estimated to be something like three wins and (approximately) 19,000 losses. This tells me one thing: that nobody on your staff has ever done a decent scouting report.
Well, Washington Generals front office, get a coaching contract ready, because I’m about to blow the door wide open on your archrivals, the Harlem Globetrotters.
The Globetrotters are good basketball players. There’s no downplaying it. I can’t tell you how to suddenly steal their talent and inject it in your own players. This isn’t Space Jam; this is real life. The Generals will still have to make shots, play aggressive on defense, and, let’s face it, get stupid lucky to have a chance at beating these behemoths. What I can do is give them their best shot at making it happen by neutralizing the Globetrotters’ real secret weapon: showmanship.
The team’s on-the-court-antics have made the fool out of many a General over the years. Those little embarrassments add up mentally, with many players broken long before the second half. Imagine the shame of getting dunked on by a player like J.J. Redick, but then multiply it by ten because your pants were also down. To beat these cats we have to put a stop to the showboating. Without it, what are the Globetrotters, if not a regular team of basketball players with cool entrance music?
GLOBETROTTER CLASSIC: The Pants Drop
I didn’t pull this example out of thin air. I don’t think there’s ever been a game where a General wasn’t pantsed by a Trotter. How are we supposed to win games when our embarrassingly specific tighty whities are on display?
Solution: Belts
It sounds simple, but hey, leave the overly complicated stuff to those star-spangled scoundrels. A tight belt – and I mean tight – could be the difference between having a game that gets its own paragraph on the Globetrotters Wiki page and total humiliation in front of fifth graders on their end-of-year field trip.
Neutralizing this play will not only keep you from looking like a fool with your pants on the ground, but will also immediately begin the onslaught of mind games against the Globetrotters. They aren’t just going to move on; pantsing is their lifeblood. They will try it again and again on every player on the court, creating the perfect time for the Generals to score some fast-break buckets.
GLOBETROTTER CLASSIC: The Table Topper
In a worst-case scenario, you may find yourself pantsed. Okay, big deal, I’ll just pull them back up… but wait, what’s this? Another player has strategically gotten onto their hands and knees behind you while you were distracted. This now allows the pantser to shove you, the pantsed, backwards, sending you tumbling over the ground player. I’m sorry to tell you, but if this happens, there’s no coming back. You’ll be effectively retired, right then and there, and no one will remember you.
Solution: Extra Shorts
If you do end up pantsed, DON’T attempt to pull them back up. Instead, simply step out of the shorts now residing around your ankles and continue play in the backup safety shorts you were wearing underneath the decoy shorts the whole time.
GLOBETROTTER CLASSIC: The Double Decker
Inevitably, during play one of the smaller Globetrotters, often the 5’2” Anthony “Too Tall” Hall, will climb onto the shoulders of one of the taller Globetrotters, giving himself an easy dunk opportunity. This play has proven hard to defend due to the fact that copying it and stacking our own players leaves too many other Trotters unguarded; when some of them can hit a three-pointer from the bleachers, that’s simply not an option.
Solution: Scoop the Ref
Lifting up our players won’t work, but what about lifting up the referee? Put the nearest ref onto your shoulders and get them up there so they can make a dang traveling call already.
GLOBETROTTER CLASSIC: That Thing the Point Guard Does Where He Keeps Faking Like He’s Just Going to Hand the Ball Over to Our Guy, But Then He Always Pulls It Back by Sliding It Around His Shoulders and Arms. Then He Does Hand the Ball Over, Only to Quickly Steal It Right Back and Go Through Our Legs for an Easy Layup.
Yeah, we can’t let them do this anymore. It runs the clock out.
Solution: Blindfolds
The only proven way to stop the temptation of a stealable basketball is to never see it. Even closing your eyes is risky, as just cracking them open for the briefest moment and seeing that ball inches away awakens the primal desire to steal that we all have within us. Every player needs a headband that can double as a blindfold in a pinch. When the horsing around begins, simply pull it down over your eyes, showing that you aren’t interested in their twisted little games.
GLOBETROTTER CLASSIC: Half-court Hook Shot
You’re joking me. They can do this? How often? They do this shot every game?! Okay, uh, give me a second…
…Alright, got it.
Solution: Yell Real Loud?
We yell something like “miss!” or “spiders!” right as they attempt the shot. Look, I don’t know man, this shot should never go in.
In Conclusion
These plays are just the tip of the iceberg on how to finally end the Globetrotters’ reign of terror. I was able to make this breakdown after scouting just one YouTube compilation, which is why I want to end by sharing what I think the Washington Generals really need, above all else, to finally rack up some wins this season: Me.
Imagine what I could do when I’m able to react and make decisions mid-game. I should be the next head coach of the Generals. But listen: I’m not insane. I understand I have no coaching experience that doesn’t include an armchair. I should be the next assistant coach of the Generals. Or maybe some sort of player/coach, assuming you like what you see on the reel I have attached to this email.
Regardless, I look forward to your call, and I look forward even more to winning at LEAST one basketball game.