Anonymous Bat: Waking the Anonymous Bat up during the day to read your novel was, first of all, pretty rude. They even had to buy more storage in their Cloud just to open this document! God knows he needed the extra storage; he has a pretty spicy daydream diary and some Batman erotica. Speaking of erotica, you’re going to need a lot more sex scenes to keep the bat interested.
Anonymous Giraffe: The Anonymous Giraffe is already stretching its twenty-foot neck out for you, stating he’s willing to send out the novel to agents, so you give him this mess without any headings in the left margins? Apologies for all the tracked changes and paragraph-long cross-outs, but Anonymous Giraffe is going to need a lot more kids with cancer if you want to make that John Green money.
Anonymous Elephant: Come on, why is your document only on “view only” access? Give the Anonymous Elephant editing access, you amateur; they’re trying to ride your coattails to cash in on the millions of dollars you’re going to make off this super original manuscript. They got a whole herd of elephants they’re trying to put through college.
Anonymous Ferret: Unfortunately, it’s the Anonymous Ferret whose cursor is blocking you from seeing part of your work. She’s really only there because she’s trying to save you the embarrassment of that boy-meets-girl scene that needs a bit of punching up. Maybe try making the main girl character really stubborn and independent so that the two don’t get close until they have to band together to survive the farming apocalypse?
Anonymous Anteater: Selfishly, the Anonymous Anteater thinks there’s not nearly enough ants in the novel and prefers an anteater-heavy cast because representation is really important. They’re tired of buying their kids Arthur toys – that kid is a huge dweeb. You’ll see that the anteater has replaced your handsome heartthrob hero with an anteater; hope you don’t mind.
Anonymous Hippo: This hippo is hungry hungry for giving you feedback. He leaves hundreds of comments on your doc that range from small typos to entire scene and character changes to the point that your entire document is highlighted. If you ever want to see the light of day when the nerdy girl and quarterback realize they’re meant to be, then you better jump on those edits now.
Anonymous Chupacabra: You must have gotten Anonymous Chupacabra’s email address wrong when you shared it with everyone, since he never got an invite to view it. Did you remember to add the extra “7” at the end of it? It’s chupacabralovesdance7777@gmail.com, not chupcabralovesdance777@gmail.com. It’s an old email, okay?!
Anonymous Kangaroo: Kate? You went with the name “Kate” for your main character? The main character who lives in a poor forest-dwelling community, where they read each other’s minds, but can only do so when they eat the forbidden fruit in the middle of the town square that doubles as a dangerous manufacturing plant? Anonymous Kangaroo is about to “hop” right off this doc if you don’t change that shit right now. How about Sonic Duskbreath for the name? (FYI, Anonymous Kangaroo got this name from a fantasy name generator. You should check it out.)
Anonymous Monkey: Anonymous Monkey loved every minute of it, but it’s only because you just plagiarized the first book of Divergent.