ATLANTA – The Centers for Denise Control is expected to walk back calls for another round of shots for the table, according to sources within Chugger’s Bar & Grille familiar with the matter.
“While we have been very pleased about the shot efficacy and distribution thus far, we’re receiving some troubling data about this most recent round,” Denise Control Director Madison Andrews said. “Crying jags, drunk dialing an ex-boyfriend, vomiting, and alleyway peeing are all highly likely side effects. We’ve also noticed a strong uptick in demands that bartenders ‘Play T-Swift!’ I wish we had better news to share, but these are the facts.”
“You said it wasshh fine! You said tonight was gonna be magigal!” Denise responded in an unprepared statement. “I’m havin’ that shot.”
Though it’s true that previous rounds of shots had been endorsed by the Centers for Denise Control, a study conducted by “that poor girl in the bathroom” highlighted some worrisome data previously unknown, leading to the reversal.
“We’ve simply never seen anything like that,” Deputy Director Amber White said. “The study by – Kaylee? Kayla? – illustrated some of the concerns inherent to this round of shots, with extreme cases having experienced rummaging through the bathroom trash for a lost earring and dropping rompers in the toilet.
“We’re truly at the eleventh hour,” White added, noting that 11 p.m. was still pretty early in the night for this sort of thing.
This new information comes as representatives were working to gauge the effectiveness of the J&J shot (a double Jameson), before recommending it to Denise, and possibly Ashley.
“This is MY night,” Denise responded following efforts to prohibit her taking the shot in question. “If I wanna have it, I can. I’m big girl. Back offff, Madison.”
While experts fear that earlier recommendations to “make this the craziest night of [their] lives” may have been too aggressive, Denise herself continued to call for booster shots as she began to feel signs of increasing sobriety. However, nearby bartenders and bouncers say booster shots are not needed for otherwise drunk people at this time.
